What happens if you’ve been trying to find love for a while, but with no results? Should you “lower your standards” on looks? Should you date guys who are ugly?
Well, one of our members in our facebook group decided to lower her standards on superficial things like looks, and she found that the men ended up treating her terribly badly.
Here is what she said:
There have been a few times where I lowered my standards on superficial things like looks with men who were interested in me.
They seemed nice on the surface so I wanted to be open minded, get to know them to see if there was any potential there and focus on the more important stuff like personality, compatibility, values, connection etc.
However what I found is it seems to just give the guys an ego boost rather than them actually putting any effort in and try to be a good partner.
Some even ended up treating me as if they think I’m lucky to have them or I’m beneath them or something!
Some of the average and below average looking men have been the worst partners. Some even have a big sense of entitlement that I wouldn’t expect from a below average looking man.
Not all of them are the same but it’s happened way too many times. Then after we break up I’m left thinking to myself: I lowered my standards on looks and gave this guy a chance and got treated badly in return?
Does anyone have similar experience to this? I don’t want to lower my standards with looks anymore if that’s what I get in return!
What’s The Cost of “lowering Your Standards? My Answer.
Just to preface: no disrespect here intended.
If you feel at any point like you’re doing these guys a favour by being with them just because they look ugly on the outside, what do you think happens?
You may not think you’re acting like you’re doing them a favour, but you are. On the inside, you’re feeling superior to them because you “lowered your standards.”
So you started the relationship with this kind of power imbalance. (Is that what David and I advise women to do?)
It’s therefore unsurprising to me that you end up feeling like they’re entitled.
This is their reciprocal response to you “lowering your standards” (read: lowering yourself) in order to date them.
Related reading: The One Being Pursued Has The Power In A Relationship: Is It True?
It began with your approach. I’m not having a go at you here, as I could totally sympathise with your own thinking (a lot of women tend to make this mistake).
The thing with men is, they don’t need to be good looking to get hot women. Instead they need resourcefulness, money, emotional stability, a lot of funnies (make the woman laugh), kindness and loyalty.
Although I completely understand your thinking here (no one wants a really ugly guy), it’s the way you’re approaching dating…
Plenty of ugly people find love every day, it’s not hard to see.
It’s confusing for a lot of us and maybe we don’t want to understand it as much as we think we do (it’s hard for some of us to accept that ugly people have just as much opportunity to find love in a committed relationship as good looking folks), but that’s because we’re only thinking on a surface level.
Date men for who they are and for the emotional attraction and emotional connection they make you feel.
That way, even if they looked like a troll from under your local bridge, you wouldn’t care, because you feel so full, so alive, in love and connected.
Love,
Renée.
Renee is the founder of The Feminine Woman & co-founder of Shen Wade Media where we teach women how to show up as a high value high status woman whom easily inspires a deep sense of emotional commitment from her chosen man. She graduated with a bachelor of Law and bachelor of Arts majoring in sociology and psychology. She has been a dating and relationship coach for women in the past 15 years and together with her husband D. Shen at Commitment Triggers blog, they have positively influenced the lives of over 20 million women through their articles and videos as well as 10’s of thousands through paid programs through the Shen Wade Media platform.
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