When an author signs a book they’ve written, they typically add a message and then provide their autograph. For my book Intimacy Revealed (soon to be retitled Biblical Intimacy), I write “May God bless your marriage bed!” and then sign “J. Parker.” I’ve long believed that God wants—even longs—to bless the sexual intimacy in our marriage.
Recently, though, I’ve begun to wonder: what if I was wrong?
Does God Want to Bless the Sex in Your Marriage?
That’s what I wrote in several posts, including:
And when I wrote those words, I believed them 100%.
Especially since I’d grown up with and heard for many (too many) years that God’s approach to our sexuality was primarily judgment rather than blessing. It seemed that God was keeping tabs on us—to see if we’d been pure enough, penitent enough, or restrained enough to warrant a good sex life in our current marriage. Anything short of perfect might mean that God’s blessing would be withheld.
In an effort to shatter to complete and utter myth, I ached for people to know that God wasn’t holding your past sin against you, that He had designed sex in marriage to benefit both husband and wife, that you could embrace this gift of sex according to His design and enjoy deep intimacy with your spouse.
That sounds great, right? And I’m all for it!
In recent years, however, I’ve begun to wonder if I overpromised. Perhaps God’s goal is different from blessing the sex in our marriages.
What Was I Made For?
God created humans with the capacity for sexual desire, engagement, pleasure, and satisfaction. He created us as sexual beings. And His Word demonstrates His plan that most men and women will devote themselves to a covenant relationship called marriage, conceive enough children to “multiply” (Genesis 1:28), and experience deep intimacy that mirrors the connection God wants to have with us.*
But none of that matters if we don’t nail the priority goal: to be transformed into the image of Christ so that we can glorify God forever.
And we all, who with unveiled faces contemplate the Lord’s glory, are being transformed into his image with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.
2 Corinthians 3:18
We were not made to have great sex lives but to be surrendered to Christ. And what if a struggling sex life led you to mature in your faith, to rely on Christ more deeply, to take an eternal, rather than temporal, perspective?
As much as I believe that God desires us to embrace His design for marital intimacy, some spouses might not experience that design fully because God wants to teach them something else. Great sex pales in comparison to God’s glory.
What If I Was Wrong About God Blessing Your Marriage Bed? “We were not made to have great sex lives but to be surrendered to Christ.” Share on X
*By no means do I discount the beauty of singlehood or couples without children. I’ve benefited directly from these people and honor their contributions to the Church and the intimacy they can have in so many other areas. I’m merely stating that a majority of people will marry and have children.
Why Is It Sexual Fulfillment So Hard?
Only a small percentage of married couples I’ve come across have had an easy time regarding sex, and some of those couples will have challenges in the future. Nearly everyone experiences struggles that result in conflict, disappointment, and heartache.
My resources aim to help you get over those humps and come to a far better place in your marriage—one in which you experience what sex can be when it reflects God’s design. I firmly believe that God’s way is the best way to experience that beautiful, Song of Songs worthy stuff.
Yet plenty of times, a couple won’t get there until they deal with underlying issues from their past or present and until God works in other areas of their life. Maybe God wants to bless those marriage beds, but not until these spouses accept His guidance elsewhere. He’s got more work to do with one or both spouses’ spirituality before He’ll bless their sexuality.
Even if they are surrendered spiritually, we live in a broken world. God’s blessings are not fully realized here, and some married couples will always experience challenges like chronic illness, ongoing pain, or a large gap in sexual desire. There’s still biblical wisdom to help these spouses navigate a difficult situation and find intimacy in the chaos. But will they experience what I’ve referred to as God’s original design for sex in marriage? Maybe not.
I wish I could guarantee that everyone who wants healthy and holy sex in their marriage would get there. I’d love for a sexual prosperity gospel to be true! But far more, I trust God’s plans.
And while sometimes those plans involve God’s obvious blessing, sometimes the blessing is more elusive. Sometimes, the blessing is God letting us fail and struggle so that we will seek Him more intently. Sometimes, we don’t get what we should have here on this broken earth, but He knows it’s okay because something much better is coming.
“May God bless your marriage bed”? I still hope that’s true. But my greater longing is that He blesses your life with Himself. His presence is what we all truly need.
You will make known to me the way of life;
In Your presence is fullness of joy;
In Your right hand there are pleasures forever.Psalm 16:11 (NASB)
