In recent years, I’ve heard a lot of discussion around emotional triggers. An emotional trigger is an event, condition, or sensory experience that evokes a negative reaction. Knowing one’s triggers can be important for treatment of and recovery from trauma, addiction or compulsive behaviors, and anxiety or depression. But the truth is, we all have triggers.
We may not use that terminology, and the oft-used synonym “stressors” might be more relatable. But think about your own marriage and when you had that unexpected blow-up, that emotional shutdown, or that pity party for one. Most readers can think of at least one. What made it happen? Was it solely what your spouse did, or were there other factors that triggered your response?
Some Common Triggers
Rehabilitation programs and 12-step meetings often use an acronym for four main stressors an addict needs to watch for: HALT. That stands for Hungry, Angry, Lonely, and Tired. Each of those states—two physical, two emotional—can trigger a craving for the addictive substance or compulsive behavior.
Odds are the last time you felt a loss of emotional or behavioral control, those or other factors were present. There’s a reason why “hangry” is now in the dictionary, and this is a popular meme online:
We see this with our children too. Tantrums happen far more often when a child is hungry or exhausted. Trying to rationalize with a toddler—or a teenager!—who hasn’t had enough sleep can be a challenge at best.
The same thing occurs for us when it comes to marital tension or conflict. Or even being able to accept a “not tonight” answer to your sexual initiation. You may respond with kindness and compassion 95% of the time, but that other 5% of the time, it’s not just the thing between you and your spouse but whatever stressors or triggers bubbling up that caused things to spill over. You find yourself furious with your spouse, in a puddle of tears wondering why s/he doesn’t love you, or falling back into a bad habit or addictive behavior in an effort to cope.
Your Personal Triggers
HALT doesn’t cover all the potential triggers, of course. You may have different ones. Consider the last time you felt out of control and what was happening before or around that time. What was going on with you physically and emotionally? Had other things happened in the week or day that tapped out your emotional resources? Could you have made some different decisions to head off the reaction by addressing your stressors? It’s worth taking stock and identifying your own particular triggers.
Recently, I decided that I was drinking too much wine. I enjoy a glass in early evening or with a meal, but at times I found myself pouring a second glass or a third without thinking it through. I’m taking a 100+-day fast from all alcohol, but as part of my reset, I began to ask myself why. Why was I inclined to drink more than I really wanted to? And I realized that I relate to two of the HALT stressors (angry and lonely), but not the others. A personal inventory revealed that being tense and experiencing pain (I have a pinched nerve right now) also triggered the craving. Being me, I decided to make a list that was alliterative and also added one more, and now I know to be more cautious when I’m feeling:
- Achy
- Alone
- Adrift
- Angry
- Anxious
Your list might overlap mine or be completely different. But take some time to think through what stressors lead to marital conflict, individual overwhelm, or loss of control.
Impact of Triggers on Marriage
In my higher desire wife community, we often encourage one another to accept sexual rejection for what it is, rather than allowing it to color our entire view of the marriage. (Yes, rejection can mean more, but oftentimes, it’s the lower desire spouse’s own issues with sex apart from their love for their mate.) And yet, nearly every wife in that group has had one or more times she just lost it. Perhaps she lashed out at her husband. Or she fell into a pit of despair with only her tears and a pint of ice cream to keep her company. Maybe she was sorely tempted to walk away and/or find someone else “who’ll appreciate me for who I am.” Most of those times, a stressor preceded that moment.
It’s understandable. We’re human! We are complex creatures who, at any given time, are dealing with multiple sensations, stimuli, thoughts, and feelings. When several negative ones come together, it can create a perfect storm that makes our emotions spiral like a tornado. We get caught up in the whirlwind and don’t know how to get out.
Husbands have also reported this feeling, especially when it comes to the temptation of pornography. (To be clear, women also struggle with porn. This is just an example.) Such men may be going along fine for a while, but then stressors hit, and they find themselves turning to porn as a coping mechanism. Their behavior in that moment may feel like something they didn’t consciously choose, but rather fell back into—having been triggered by other stimuli.
But it doesn’t have to be that big an issue. It could be a marital spat that didn’t have to happen, except that one or both of you were overly tired. Or perhaps a conversation that broke down into a stalemate because you were already dealing with too much anxiety about other things.
Whatever it is, and whether it’s simply relational or also sexual, your marriage feels the damaging effects of emotions and behaviors triggered or amplified by other factors.
It’s Not Enough to Avoid Triggers
Knowing your personal triggers can help you:
- Avoid or manage them better
- Share your emotional state with your spouse
- Choose better timing for interactions with your spouse
Avoiding or managing your triggers might mean getting more sleep, making sure you eat according to a schedule, or keeping snacks around. It might mean reaching out for more social connections to address loneliness or getting therapy to deal with anger or feelings of being adrift in life.
But sometimes, no matter how well we plan, stressors come our way. We can’t avoid them entirely. In which case, it’s good to share your emotional state with your spouse. For example, if your husband or wife wants to talk about something when you’re overly tired, let him/her know you’re just too spent for that discussion but you’re eager to have it another time. Name the time, and then follow through! But also make sure you don’t launch that conversation or even sexual initiation when you wouldn’t be able to handle a “not now” with grace. Choose a better time, when both of you are less stressed and more likely to have an effective interaction.
It doesn’t stop there, though. What can you do to release the tension and negativity caused by your triggers? You have to replace poor coping mechanisms with better options.
Regarding my wine-fast, I’m planning to use this time to practice identifying my triggers and then find positive ways to channel that energy. If I’m feeling anxious, I can go for a walk, exercise, listen to music, meditate, read a book, pray, call a friend, or get a massage. I don’t have to simply say, “I’m anxious, but I won’t drink,” and then sit there in all my anxiety fighting the craving. No, I can proactively address my stressors with alternative activities.
So can you! What can you do instead of having an outburst? Turning to porn? Tumbling back into depression? Picking a fight with your spouse? Starting the silent treatment? Drinking too much?
Be willing to get outside help! Many of our negative go-to coping mechanisms can’t be solved on your own. Many resources exist to help you successfully overcome addiction, compulsive behaviors, mood disorders, porn use, and more. Seek out Christian-based sites that can help you navigate your journey to recovery.
Heaven: Always a Good Place to Turn
Regardless of whether you could benefit from outside help or simply need to make some personal changes in your life, you can always turn to God. If you feel like you’re losing control, have that outburst or breakdown in His presence. Let the Psalms guide you on how to cry out to Him and accept His healing. You may or may not feel better immediately, but over time, you’ll definitely feel the impact of His presence.
God already knows your triggers, but He wants to be there to help you address them and discover wholeness that only He can give.
“Come close to God and He will come close to you.” James 4:8a
