The holiday season is a time for family, food, and celebration. At many of these gatherings, women typically take on the bulk of the work—cooking, cleaning, and tending to children—while men drink beer, watch games, and occasionally ask when the food will be ready. Most of us rarely stop to think about who is doing what during these celebrations—or especially how traditional gender roles are perfectly defined in these settings.
Holiday gatherings offer a small glimpse into the dynamics of our family life. In America today, half of married mothers with children under age 18 work full time. This means after a full day of paid work, most moms also take on the bulk of various tasks at home, a “second shift,” as sociologist Arlie Hochschild called it. When the total workload—paid work, housework, and child care—is tallied, married working mothers shoulder about three more hours per week than their male counterparts.
This unbalanced workload can strain a marriage and even lead to divorce for some. Lyz Lenz, a writer and now-divorced mother, longed for an equal marriage where spouses could split things 50-50. But she didn’t receive the support she needed from her husband while juggling work-family responsibilities—taking care of their young children, cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, and writing her first book.
“Do you want to know how I finally got my husband to do his fair share?” she wrote in The Washington Post. “Court-ordered 50-50 custody, that’s how.”
The idea of a 50-50 marriage, which emphasizes a partnership where both spouses equally share responsibilities, has been gaining traction. Another divorced mom and author, Amy Sheran, even offered this advice in The New York Times: “A 50/50 Custody Arrangement Could Save Your Marriage.”
Clearly, waiting for a post-divorce settlement for your ex to do the “fair share” is not the best way to achieve a 50-50 partnership. So what can help balance the workload for mothers and fathers in a dual-income marriage?
It is important to note that a truly 50-50 marriage is remarkably rare. In a new analysis of survey data of over 500 dual-income heterosexual parents ages 55 and younger, only 9 couples (2% of the sample) reported splitting responsibilities equally across four key areas: family income, housework inside the house, housework around the house (i.e., yard work, repairs), and child care. When the definition of equity was broadened from a strict 50% to a range of 41% to 59%, the share rose slightly, but only to 7% of married dual-income parents.
What can help, I would argue, is identifying the types of equally-shared responsibilities that bring marital happiness.
Not all equally-shared responsibilities lead to a happier marriage for moms. When it comes to housework and caring for the kids, working mothers who share these responsibilities about equally with their spouse (41% to 59%) report being happier than their peers who shoulder the majority of these tasks. However, working mothers who contribute less than half of the work around the house, rather than in the house, (tasks such as trash, yardwork, and home repairs) are happier in their marriage than those who share these tasks equally with their spouse, according to my analysis of the same survey data of dual-income parents ages 55 and younger.
In contrast, working dads who do less than half of the housework (e.g., cooking and cleaning) report greater marital happiness than those who share housework about equally with their spouse. However, dads who share child care responsibilities roughly equally with their spouse are happier than their peers who do less work caring for the children (77% vs. 68%).
Even though moms and dads seem to have preferences when it comes to household chores, they find common ground when it comes to child care tasks. Both mothers and fathers report greater marital satisfaction when child care responsibilities are divided up more equally. For example, over 80% of working moms who handle about half the child care work are very happy with their marriages, compared with 75% of working moms who take on more than 60% of these responsibilities. A roughly equal share of fathers who share child care responsibilities with their wives also report higher satisfaction in their marriages than those who do not.
Taking care of children, especially when they are young, is no easy task. Earlier research I conducted using time diary data suggests that parents find their time caring for their children to be much more exhausting than the work they do for pay. Yet parents (both moms and dads) also find child care activities more meaningful and rewarding than paid work.
The good news is that dads, especially married dads, have been more involved in children’s lives than ever before, and their child care time has increased while mothers’ time has remained stable over the past two decades. More importantly, dads want to be more involved. Most fathers report they spend too little time with their children, according to Pew Research Center survey data, often citing work obligations as a barrier to greater father involvement.
As a married, working mom myself, I would argue that housework, such as cooking and cleaning, occurs much more often than outdoor tasks like taking out the trash or mowing the lawn. This doesn’t even account for the invisible mental workload that mothers often handle alone, including organizing children’s activities, planning birthday parties or special events, scheduling doctor’s appointments, and tackling a long list of other tasks that require planning and preparation. These daily, constant tasks add up and can cause friction between couples.
There is nothing wrong with seeking fairness. I often find myself comparing my responsibilities in the house with those of my husband. However, keeping score is challenging and often leads to more conflict. My husband and I rarely agree on who does more around the house.
During a marriage conference a couple of years ago, when the speakers invited us to submit questions, I wrote: “How do you address the issue of fairness in the household? How can you make sure both partners contribute equally?” I was glad the questions were anonymous because the speakers, a couple married for 40 years, chuckled when reading it aloud. “Fairness isn’t the goal of marriage,” the wife said. “You are one team working toward building a life together.” They then shared how the wife supported the whole family during a long period of the husband’s unemployment due to health issues, and how the husband supported his wife’s pursuit of a nursing degree when their children were older. “You just pick up what needs to be done,” said the husband. “In sickness and in health, to love and cherish, till death do us part. That’s the vow we took.”
On a similar journey to seek a 50-50 marriage model, writers Nate and Kaley Kemp also reached a conclusion that this model is deeply flawed and only leads to resentment and fights. “It is a model that tells us to be rational rather than romantic, to be fair rather than generous, and to win individually rather than together,” they wrote in their book, The 80-80 Marriage. Instead of a 50/50 split, they recommend couples be radically generous toward each other and contribute more than their fair share.
To have a happy marriage, Author Brooks recommends “forget 50-50” and “make it 100-100.” Not only is 50-50 not a realistic aspiration, he argues, splitting things this way also “militates against one of the most important elements of love: generosity—a willingness to give more than your share in a spirit of abundance, because giving to someone you care for is pleasurable in itself.”
The irony is that calculating the percentage of your contribution itself, whether it is 50-50, 80-80, or even 100-100, falls into the trap of a me-first mentality. Marriage is a union that requires sacrifices. When discussing marital happiness, sociologist Brad Wilcox wrote in Get Married : “Happiness is less likely to be found when pursued directly,” and adopting a “family-first, me-second” mentality is the paradoxical route to marital bliss.
Similarly, Morgan Housel, a prominent writer and investor, summed it up well in an interview: “Marriage only works if both partners want to serve the other partner and expect nothing in return.”
A balanced workload between couples is important, but it cannot be achieved by keeping scores, demanding involvement, or—worse—resorting to divorce. Instead, it starts with adopting a mindset of being generous toward your partner and picking up what needs to be done. Working moms who carry a heavier workload might encourage their husbands to take a more active role in caring for their children. This is an area where many fathers are eager to contribute, and where our collective efforts should be directed.
Wendy Wang is director of research at the Institute for Family Studies.