How Active Listening Will Transform Your Marriage
If you and your partner struggle with communication, active listening may be the solution.
But what exactly is active listening? Let’s take a deep dive into what it is, how to change your current habits, and how it can improve your marriage.
Table of Contents
What Is Active Listening?
What is active listening?
Simply put, active listening means:
- paying attention to nonverbal cues
- listening to understand and not just to respond
- asking open-ended questions
- providing appropriate feedback
How can these acts improve your relationship? I’ll tell you!
Do You Know How to Listen in the Right Ways?
Have you ever said, “I don’t feel like he/she is truly listening to me” when you’re speaking about your spouse? If so, you aren’t alone.
The thing is, your spouse probably is listening to you, just not in the right way.
Most people listen to give a response rather than trying to understand. Believe it or not, there is a stark difference between listening to respond and listening to understand.
Listening to respond means you are constantly planning what to say next. You are missing important details because you’re focused more on your response rather than what is being said. This approach may also lead to feeling defensive, criticized, or judged since you’re not truly taking in the message behind what’s being said.
Listening to understand means you aren’t focused on planning a response. You are truly taking in each word that is being spoken to you, and you are picking up on nonverbal cues. You are actively trying to understand the issue behind your spouse’s words.
If you are only listening to respond, then you’re paying attention to what YOU believed was important, and your spouse may feel discouraged after a conversation because it felt very one-sided. ALL of their words are important, and you may have missed quite a bit of what they were trying to express since you were focusing on your next response.
Further, you may miss out on the opportunity to truly get curious about your spouse and understand why they truly feel the way that they do, and more importantly, discover the deeper issue that lies behind what they’re saying.
The good news is that lots of people struggle with this, and it doesn’t make you a terrible person! We are learning and growing every single day, and it’s not too late to change things that are no longer working or effective. If you implement some quick and easy tips, you may be able to change old communication habits, which can have a substantial positive impact on your marriage.
Communication Can Be Improved Through Active Listening
“Listening is an art that requires attention over talent, spirit over ego, and others over self.” — Dean Jackson.
Here are some tips that will help you implement the art of active listening, which will significantly improve your communication skills!
- Before starting the conversation, consider asking your spouse, “Do you just need me to listen, or do you need me to come up with solutions?” Setting clear expectations before the conversation starts will help both of you remain on the same page, and it’ll help avoid conflict, especially if your spouse isn’t looking for help or advice.
- Body language is a dead giveaway for how someone is feeling about the words they are saying. So, while you’re listening to your spouse, pay attention to their body language. If you can learn to identify changes in your spouse’s body language, chances are you’ll be able to approach the conversation with the appropriate amount of gentleness, reassurance, and love.
- Maintain eye contact with your spouse. This will keep you engaged in the conversation, and it will show your spouse that you are actively present and committed to having the conversation.
- Ask open-ended questions to help you better understand what your spouse is saying and how they’re feeling. Better yet, repeat what they have said to clarify if you’re understanding them correctly; don’t just assume you are!
- End the conversation when your spouse is ready, not when you are. Don’t rush them, and don’t make them feel like they’re on a time crunch. Giving them your full attention AND time will help them build more trust in you.
- Last, and possibly most important, withhold judgment. The less judgment your spouse feels, the more they are willing to be open and vulnerable with you in the future. Remember, you are their safe place.
In Conclusion
Active listening helps whoever is speaking to feel more understood and heard. As a result, your connection is strengthened, and you build more trust in each other.
Active listening, along with effective communication, can be a vital tool in your marriage, so get started today!