How do we transform conflicts into conversations that heal and connect? My podcast guest, Lisa Brateman, has the answers…
—
How do you transform conflicts into kind conversations? Lisa Brateman, LCSW, is a psychotherapist, relationship specialist, public speaker, and media commentator with more than two decades of experience. She offers individual, couples, and group therapy in New York City. Her areas of expertise include anxiety and depression, couples therapy—marital and premarital—and conflict resolution. She’s the author of What Are We Really Fighting About?: How to Transform Conflicts into Conversations [Rowman & Littlefield Publishers; September 2024] and The Courage to Walk Away: Move On after Infidelity by Mourning What You Lost, Identifying Your Relationship Needs, and Empowering Yourself for the Future [Ulysses Press; February 2024].
In this episode of Last First Date Radio:
- What is a successful and helpful fight?
- Does it mean you FINALLY AGREE on something?
- A lot of people are afraid of fighting, what would you say to them?
- What do you mean when you say winning the point is losing the battle for a happy relationship?
- Can we come back from a knock down fight when we say hurtful things?
- What do you say to the person who thinks it’s my way or the highway?
EP 626: Lisa Brateman – How to Transform Conflicts into Conversations
What is a successful and helpful fight?
It’s when you’re willing to bring things up. Most people are conflict avoidant. The problem is not that we fight. It’s how we fight. If we start off angry and yelling, it’s not good. Understand what you bring to the table in an argument.
A lot of people are afraid of fighting, what would you say to them?
It’s important to argue, but to do it with kindness. It’s a skillset. The first thing we need to do is understand ourselves better. If you haven’t felt heard, you’ll be triggered when you don’t feel heard. What are your triggers? Define them.
If your partner says you’re too sensitive, that’s a childhood trigger. Maybe you do overreact sometimes, but you hear it as “I’m too much” and the fight begins.
What do you mean when you say winning the point is losing the battle for a happy relationship?
When you’re interested in being right, you’re not interested in the relationship. You’re just interested in winning. But you walk away a loser. It doesn’t feel better. It’s just put aside for the time being.
Instead, say something in the moment. “Hey, what did you mean by that?” Even if it’s a small thing and you felt slighted, say something.
Date people for a while so you can see how they argue and discuss conflicting issues. Know what your partner is bringing to the table. Are they withholding? Spend a lot of time together to be in the moment with you. How do they see you? Kindness is key. Compassion is key. Consideration is key. Are they interested in what you think? Is there reciprocity? One of the most important cornerstones of relationships is curiosity about each other.
What does a healthy argument look like?
If you want to bring something up, come to it with interest in clearing things up instead of criticizing. Be open. Be willing to resolve the conflict. Wait until you’re calm enough to talk. Don’t storm off, but tell them you need to calm down and will come back when you’re calm.
If you feel you’re not being heard. The other person heard but disregarded it. Hear and acknowledge what each person is feeling, even if you disagree.
When both people feel heard, things go better. Figure out what you’re really fighting about. What is upsetting you right now?
Can we come back from a knock down fight when we say hurtful things?
We can come back through repairing the relationship. If we say something awful, apologize in a really wholehearted authentic way. Change the behavior. That will help repair the relationship.
What do you say to the person who thinks it’s my way or the highway?
Depersonalize the combative personality. Don’t get defensive. Acknowledge the way the other person is feeling. Set a boundary. If it feels abusive when you say, “I don’t work with ‘my way or the highway. In a relationship, I need both of us to be able to have our opinions heard.’”
What are your final words of advice to anyone who wants to go on their last first date?
Pay attention to how you’re feeling. Maybe only bring small baggage to the date. See who you are now and what your body is telling you. Notice when you compromise. Instead of analyzing the other person, ask yourself how YOU feel.
Connect with Lisa
Watch this episode on YouTube
Please subscribe/rate and review the podcast here.
Apply to get FREE coaching on the podcast: https://bit.ly/LFDradiocoaching
If you’re feeling stuck in dating and relationships and would like to finally find love, sign up for a complimentary 45-minute love breakthrough session with Sandy https://lastfirstdate.com/application
Join Your Last First Date on Facebook https://facebook.com/groups/yourlastfirstdate
Get a copy of Sandy’s books, Becoming a Woman of Value; How to Thrive in Life and Love and Choice Points in Dating; Empowering Women to Make Healthier Decisions in Love.
Comments