How does growing up with a narcissistic mother impact your love life? My podcast guest, Suzanne Manser, shares important info on this topic.
—
Do you have a mother wound? Did you grow up with a mother who was narcissistic? My podcast guest, Suzanne Manser, PhD is a Harvard-trained psychologist and author who writes about her own experience growing up with a narcissistic mother and how it impacted her life. In addition to her book (I Hate You (A Love Letter to My Mother): Healing Paper Cuts, Mother Wounds, and Intergenerational Pain) and guided journal (I Hate You (A Love Letter to My Mother): A Journal for Healing Your Mother Wound and Transforming Your Life), Dr. Manser writes articles about how to live with self-acceptance and meaning and has given numerous talks and interviews. Though Dr. Manser’s primary role is therapist, she has worn a variety of hats, including clinic director, professor, supervisor, board member, and consultant. Whether through therapy, writing, or speaking, Suzanne is dedicated to helping people heal the pain from their childhood, improve their mental health, and create rich, juicy lives.
In this episode of Last First Date Radio:
- Why our mothers have the power to impact our sense of self.
- The impacts of a narcissistic parent, no matter your age, and how to manage them.
- Is it ever valid to have no contact with one’s mother?
- How intergenerational trauma continues to get passed down.
- Why it’s better to teach people how to hate than not to hate.
EP 625: Dr. Suzanne Manser – How Growing Up With a Narcissistic Mother Impacts Your Love Life
Why do our mothers have so much power in impacting our sense of self?
When we were dependent on our mothers for survival, this was the one person who protected, fed and cared for us from the moment of our conception. Mothers have a unique role in our lives. Not all mothers can be that person for us. When they fail us, it feels incredibly painful, because we have the expectation that our parents should be this way. If they’re not that way, we are constantly disappointed.
What are the impacts of a narcissistic parent, no matter your age, and how can you manage them?
Growing up with a parent who doesn’t prioritize or validate your needs, wants, boundaries or thoughts is painful. A narcissistic parent has to be prioritized at all times, so you’re deprioritized. This impacts how you relate to people and the partners you choose. Maybe you grow up believing you don’t deserve unconditional love, and you attract narcissistic partners.
The healing starts with understanding narcissism has nothing to do with you and what you deserved, so you take it less personally and unhook from the pain. Then, connect more with yourself – what you need, feel, and what your boundaries are. When you can validate and connect with yourself, you can start to prioritize yourself and be in a relationship with people who support you and empathize with you. You’ll begin to have more compassion for yourself. And you’ll gravitate towards healthier relationships. If you can’t be your authentic self, you won’t have full intimacy.
Is it ever valid to have no contact with one’s mother?
If there are repeated instances of being disrespected or harmed, it’s valid to go no contact to protect yourself.
How does intergenerational trauma continue to get passed down?
Usually it’s subconscious. My maternal grandparents were living during the depression. They lived in scarcity and were offered the bare minimum growing up. They were largely ignored and felt unimportant. When you look at how my mom’s parents treated her, it’s understandable that she became a narcissist. The narcissist feels important by making her children feel unimportant.
Maybe because I’m a therapist and did the work, I am trying hard not to pass down narcissism and teach them love is unconditional.
Why is it better to teach people how to hate than not to hate?
I hated my mother from about age 7 until she died. I tried to love her, but hate was the predominant emotion. For the last 25 years of her life, I tried not to hate her. I’m passionate about helping people see that hate is a valid emotion. Don’t try to get rid of it. Learn to manage your hate and it will wash through you.
What are your final words of advice for anyone who wants to go on their last first date?
When you’re on a date, instead of focusing on what they think of you, stay in your body, look through your eyes and see if this person is right for you.
Watch this episode on YouTube
Connect with Dr. Manser
Please subscribe/rate and review the podcast here.
Apply to get FREE coaching on the podcast: https://bit.ly/LFDradiocoaching
If you’re feeling stuck in dating and relationships and would like to finally find love, sign up for a complimentary 45-minute love breakthrough session with Sandy https://lastfirstdate.com/application
Join Your Last First Date on Facebook https://facebook.com/groups/yourlastfirstdate
Get a copy of Sandy’s books, Becoming a Woman of Value; How to Thrive in Life and Love and Choice Points in Dating; Empowering Women to Make Healthier Decisions in Love.
Comments