If you have an anxious attachment style, it can be challenging to date. Therapist Jennifer Nurick can help! Listen to this episode here.
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Jennifer Nurick specializes in healing anxious attachment, attachment injuries and childhood trauma. She is a licensed Clinical Psychotherapist, Counsellor, Energetic Healer, and the author of “Heal Your Anxious Attachment: Release Past Trauma, Cultivate Secure Relationships, and Nurture a Deeper Sense of Self”. She is the founder and voice of Psychotherapy Central. She has been working in the healing space for over 20 years, combining Eastern energetic practices and Western psychotherapy.. She offers transformational courses to help individuals and couples heal trauma and build secure long-term relationships.
In this episode of Last First Date Radio:
- What are the attachment styles?
- Why is your attachment style important in dating and relationships?
- How does anxious attachment show up when dating?
- What is the pursuer/withdrawer dynamic?
- How can you break unhealthy attachment patterns in dating?
EP 605: Jennifer Nurick – Healing Your Anxious Attachment
What are the attachment styles?
We have secure and insecure attachment styles. About 50% of all people have secure attachment and 50% have an insecure attachment.
Insecure attachment styles:
Anxious: Child’s needs are sometimes met and sometimes not, and they feel they need to stay close to the adult to stay safe. As an adult, they are sensitive to relational distance. It could be subtle. Behaviors come up to keep the person engaged in the relationship.
Avoidant: A child reaches out for a connection, and the caregiver is not able to meet their needs enough for some reason. Could be due to mental illness, addiction, work, etc. The child becomes independent and does everything for themselves. As an adult, they tend to be blocked.
Disorganized: As a child when you have a need and reach out to caregivers, sometimes needs are met and sometimes they are not met, and it’s terrifying and dangerous.
How does anxious attachment show up when dating?
At the beginning of dating, someone with an anxious attachment style goes in fast and hot, because they want the person to like them. Slow down. Move forward curiously and get to know the different aspects of the person. See how they react under pressure. If they say they don’t want a long term relationship, believe them. Notice how you feel around them.
What is the pursuer/withdrawer dynamic?
It’s when an anxious and avoidant are in partnership. They pursue and pull away. If you’re anxiously attached and your partner pulls away, it’s not personal to you, even though you may have that internal dialogue that you’re not good enough and that’s why they pulled away. The partner who pulls away is scared or overwhelmed and needs to withdraw so they can feel safe.
How can you break unhealthy attachment patterns in dating?
We need to form internal security first to know we’re lovable and worthy. We need to learn to work with the panic in our body so we can recognize what’s going on. We also need to form a deeper sense of self. Then we need to learn some new skills such as communication, boundaries, self soothing, and co-regulation.
What are your final words of advice for anyone who wants to go on their last first date?
I’ve seen people approaching dating with a lot of joy and spaciousness. Go out to meet people and have experiences so you don’t take it personally. Be okay to keep moving on until you meet the right person. Go in with lightness, joy, and curiosity.
Connect with Jennifer
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