Are avoidants capable of loving you?
That’s what I will answer unequivocally for you today.
First, here’s the short answer:
No.
They are not capable of loving you.
I know that’s different from what many people say, but hear me out.
Can An Avoidant Love You?
After many years of studying this area of attachment patterns and how they affect our inner template on relationships and love (because they are quite literally, an inner template on relationship), I believe truly avoidant people are not capable of loving you.
…Unless, of course, they are open to doing the arduous and unenviable work of healing their avoidant attachment patterns.
But that’s the thing. True avoidants are not open to doing the work.
That’s why they’re avoidant.
They quite literally only adhere to the belief that other people = bad, and myself = good.
(That’s their inner template. However, this inner template on relationships is different for people with secure, anxious or disorganized attachment.)
This is not me saying that avoidants think highly of themselves. Only secure people do that.
That is me saying that avoidants have long ago been convinced, through the way they were treated by their caregivers, that:
- They (“me”) are the only person who can be relied upon.
- That their own little world is the only important world to stay stuck in; and
- Their inner template dictates that they are addicted to what John Bowlby called “compulsive self reliance”.
This may all sound like I’m suggesting that avoidants are just hyper-independent.
They’re not.
That’s the image they present to everybody, that they will uphold at any cost.
Deep down inside, they’re abandoned, anxious (on occasion when triggered), hurt, angry, suspicious people.
They are the most vulnerable people on the planet, because essentially, they live in their own little bubble whilst pushing everyone else away.
This bubble has no standing in the real world, though.
So the smallest thing can be a threat to that bubble, and as soon as it is threatened, the avoidant will run away – at best.
At worst, you’ll be trying to befriend a traumatized, aggressive stray dog, as I mention in my article on What It’s Like to Date An Avoidant Man.
MORE: Why Are Dismissive Avoidants So Mean And Cruel? + FAQ.
Now before we go deeper on avoidants, let me get one thing clear (so you don’t waste your precious time):
Avoidant attachment style and avoidant behavior are very different things.
Here’s a video where I answer the question: can an avoidant ever truly love you?
Do the quiz: What is my attachment style?
Avoidant Behavior Vs Avoidant Attachment Style
Avoidant behavior is different to avoidant attachment style. Avoidant behavior can occur in any human.
Even those people who have a secure attachment style can avoid you (physically or emotionally).
This is because:
- They simply don’t want to invest in you
- Because they don’t love you
- They only see you as someone to keep around with bare minimum effort. (For more on that, see my article: Why Does He Keep Me Around When He Doesn’t Want A Relationship?)
When I say avoidant behavior I mean:
- Being inconsistent in contacting you
- Avoiding making the relationship official
- Responding poorly to you expressing your needs
- Being flaky
- Being commitment-phobic.
Knowing this, the next logical question is:
If someone is securely attached but just avoiding emotional investment in you, are they capable of loving you?
Well, they’re capable of loving someone. (The right person for them.)
But I’d say they do not love you.
And that’s ok (look I know it does not feel okay to you).
But it’s okay to accept that someone doesn’t love you. It happens! And to the best of us.
What Does It Take To Figure Out Someone’s Attachment Style?
Another aspect to this conundrum of whether an avoidant can really love you or not, is this:
It’s very hard to truly conclude that someone has avoidant attachment style.
A lot of people out there are way too quick to conclude that someone is an “avoidant”, and that is because of how this framework of attachment styles has become bastardised.
Here’s the thing:
Once valuable, effective psychological frameworks like attachment styles become mainstream, they always become debased.
Because people who don’t truly understand the framework pollute the idea with their own need for significance and certainty.
Alternatively stated – people use the framework not for effectiveness and true problem solving, but for their ego.
Make sense?
So to work out whether someone is a true avoidant or not, you have to attempt to create intimacy with them many times over, and be met with:
That type of testing takes a bit of time. It takes sincerity and genuine effort towards understanding someone’s inner template and their soul.
So let’s not run around labelling every commitment-resistant person as someone who has an avoidant attachment style.
After all, avoidants are very good at tricking you and blending in…
Avoidant Adults Are Very Good at ‘Masking’
Any adult who has avoidant attachment style has become very good at covering up their attachment style, and any dysfunctional habits that stem from it.
They’ve become good at not only ‘coping’, but at masking.
Masking, which is sometimes known as camouflaging or compensating, is when people try to hide or cover up signs of a mental health issue so they can fit in better with the general population.
This idea is often talked about in relation to autism, but it can also be relevant for ADHD and other mental health challenges.
As adults, avoidants have worked out ways to cope with their lack of trust in intimacy, that there’s no need or desire to change that.
This is to say that it can take a long time to reveal an avoidant, as their masking habits are very resistant to external pressure.
You really have to be good at initiating intimacy over time in order to figure out someone’s attachment style.
So let’s not jump to conclusions about a man’s attachment style, just in case it leads us down the wrong path.
One way you can reveal an avoidant is with playfulness and playful banter.
Why?
Because avoidants are rarely vulnerable enough to attune to your banter and to respond with their own desire to connect.
Whilst some avoidants can fake banter in a glib manner, they will never return your banter with warmth and spontaneity that banter requires.
Because the necessitates the following:
- A true desire for connection; and
- Comfort with vulnerability.
If you want to increase your chances of working on whether a guy is an avoidant or not, then take our free high value banter class.
There’s lots of examples there to get you started on this journey of playful banter, and the best thing about playful banter is that it actually drastically increases your value in the eyes of naturally playful, emotionally secure men.
CLICK to take our free high value banter class here.
How Avoidants Are ‘Made’.
To understand your avoidant and their capacity to love you (or not), you must understand how they were made.
And it’s not pretty.
Let’s take a look at exactly how they’re made right now:
Just for a moment, imagine a sweet and chunky baby boy all wrapped up in his crib.
He is placed there by his mother, and he looks up towards this mother, whom he so desperately relies upon for survival and comfort.
He smiles as they lock eyes. This smile is an essential social cue that many babies use to keep their caretaker coming back, holding them and singing to them as they shower them with love.
But this sweet baby boy’s smile quickly evaporates as he realizes he’s lying in his crib alone, and his mother didn’t reciprocate his smile.
Instead, she pats him twice on the back, says “there, there”, and walks out of the room, closing the door behind her.
Sensing her absence immediately, he cries a little louder.
A few minutes pass and still, nobody comes.
So he cries a bit harder and louder.
After 5 minutes of loud crying, his mother comes in, gives him a polite smile, pats him on the back twice again, and says a quiet “shhhhhhhh”, “shhhhh”.
Then she walks out, closing the door behind her again.
At this point, this chunky baby boy starts screaming.
Subconsciously, he doesn’t understand why his cries are not working to secure love and attention.
So he gets more and more distressed, until 5 more minutes pass, and his mother comes back in, repeating the same actions she did before.
Again he is alone, and his screaming is so loud now, that his face is turning blue.
His lips are now purple as his tiny body attempts to physically and emotionally process the stress hormones flooding his body.
Remember this is a baby, he hasn’t matured enough yet to regulate his own emotions.
He has no way to make sense of any of this, other than feeling the visceral emotion of being abandoned.
This time, 10 minutes pass, and by the end of that 10 minutes, he’s barely breathing.
Now it’s his father who comes in and says “shhhhhh, baby shhhhh”, and also pats him on the back lightly.
Very soon, his father is also nowhere to be seen, and the door to this baby boy’s room is closed yet again.
20 minutes pass, and then another 20 minutes, until a whole hour has passed.
Nobody comes.
The beautiful baby boy is still crying hard, and at this point, he is vomiting because he is under so much stress.
His mother comes back in again, this time to swiftly wipe the vomit off of her baby.
As she slowly lifts him to wipe the vomit off her baby, she can hear his cries de-escalating, and his breathing slowly, ever so slowly, returning.
But that is short-lived as she then proceeds to pat him on the back once again, saying “shhhhhh”…
And then she walks out of the room, leaving her baby in his crib. This time, she rolls her eyes at her disgust that her baby is crying until he’s blue, just for attention.
Meanwhile, alone in his crib, this baby’s crying is now strongly tinged with anger, and quickly he starts turning blue again….
He doesn’t understand why his mother came for a minute, and then left once again.
He escalates his crying to extreme levels within seconds this time, and still nobody comes.
A few more minutes pass, and now it’s dead silence.
No sign of mom or dad, until eventually, he collapses into a deep sleep, thanks to the exhaustion that now envelops his tiny body.
Mom and dad are relieved. Finally they can get some much needed rest.
Dad has to work tomorrow and he can’t function on 6 broken hours a night.
Weeks go by…and mom notices something very strange…the smile her baby boy often gave her was no longer there.
She looked down at her unusually quiet baby, observing the world around him.
But she doesn’t notice the despondency in his eyes.
He’s alive, but not…fully alive.
The trust is gone, thus the crying is also gone.
Now:
What I want you to notice about this story is not just that the baby was neglected, but that he no longer wanted to signal distress.
He no longer wanted to seek out help.
He no longer believed that anyone would come to his aid, nor that anyone would come and interact with him or play with him.
Not only were his emotional needs ignored, in the end his emotions were met with contempt.
Nobody cared.
And that’s how he began his life – with an avoidant attachment style.
Fast forward a few decades, and this baby becomes a young man who is a functional part of society, at least on the surface.
Everything seems to be fine until one day he loses his job, and everything starts to come crashing down.
He turned to alcohol and drugs because he has no ability to regulate his own emotions.
His selfish behaviour becomes evident as he withdraws from his own wife and young kids.
As they say, it’s only under stress that a person’s true nature is revealed.
In 1998, Mikulincer and Florian examined the coping ability of adults under stressful situations and found an insecure style of attachment was associated with more negative responses to stress, while securely attached adults managed stress more effectively and positively.
So: underneath the well practised facade, this man had an avoidant attachment style, which meant that he prefers distance over intimacy and withdrawal over caring for others.
So here’s the big question:
Can an avoidant ever truly love you?
No, they cannot.
After many years of studying this framework of attachment styles and coaching clients who are insecurely attached, my husband and I have come to see the attachment styles on a spectrum, rather than in categories.
So here’s a simple little infographic my husband and I put together of this exact spectrum:
If avoidants are on one extreme end of the spectrum, then those with severe avoidant attachment patterns are so far gone that they cannot be vulnerable enough to truly love you.
Avoidants come into the world with a huge emotional deficit in resources.
Due to this deficit, they cannot even care about themselves. They cannot allow themselves to be vulnerable enough to feel and process their own emotions.
So if they cannot even care about themselves, how on earth could they ever have the emotional resources to care about you?
Remember this: feeling for themselves is not feeling for you.
An avoidant may be able to feel anger over a situation they deem to be unfair, for example.
But feeling for themselves is nothing like actually feeling for you.
Can you live with that reality?
Things Look A little Different With An Anxious-Avoidant Person
An anxious-avoidant person might be able to commit to you and love you, but not a truly avoidant person.
In other words, there is hope with an anxious-avoidant, but not with an avoidant.
Why can an anxious-avoidant (also called disorganized attachment style) potentially love you, but not an avoidant?
Because an anxious-avoidant still has anxious tendencies, which means they still try to hold onto connection and bonding in those anxious moments.
Having said that, the problem is that things are no walk in the park with an anxious avoidant either.
There’s just more hope.
But more hope doesn’t mean it’s a lot easier.
And just because it’s possible for an anxious-avoidant (or fearful avoidant) to love you, doesn’t mean it comes easily.
It’s a lot of work on your part to try to inspire vulnerability in a fearful-avoidant.
You have to be willing to love through a lot of density, resistance and trauma.
But at least they’re not a full-on avoidant, because they are impossible.
Unless you somehow manage to get that avoidant on board with healing themselves.
Do the quiz: how commitment friendly is my man?
Can You Ever Make An Avoidant Man Vulnerable Enough To Love You?
Avoidants can heal. But don’t expect an avoidant to heal.
The people who were supposed to give them the emotional resources to feel and process emotions have missed the boat.
Thus the avoidant has also missed the boat on being given the gift of emotional resources to process emotions.
There’s a misconception out there that avoidants are just these scared people who can love you and connect with you deep down inside, but that’s not true.
- Avoidant men and women don’t have the available emotional energy or metabolic energy to connect.
- Their focus is on limiting closeness and emotional energy expenditure in relationships.
- They are disconnected from your emotions and theirs, because if they were to let intimacy into their life, they’d be forced to go through the spectrum of attachment into anxious, which is something they have no resources to deal with whatsoever.
And they really have to have a strong internal ‘why’ to motivate them to heal.
Because healing the trauma of an avoidant is to willingly sign up to nightmare after nightmare, and then being willing to power through and feel through those nightmares of abandonment and pain.
Usually, avoidants won’t see the benefits of that.
But if you’re securely attached and you can find it within yourself to stick with an avoidant in this way, then perhaps there’s a reason bigger than you and I that’s pulling you to do so.
Perhaps you find that it’s your calling to help this avoidant.
If that’s the case, then that’s your prerogative and I give respect to that decision, because you’re essentially signing up to be that person’s parent.
Here are some ways to do that in my article: 11 Genius Ways to Communicate To An Avoidant Partner.
Please don’t take this to mean I’m encouraging you to sign up to healing an adult avoidant.
I’ve said multiple times before, that that’s honorable work reserved only for those who really deem themselves capable of being rejected with hostility over and over again.
It’s like willingly signing up for abuse.
But here’s the truth:
Some people are capable. I’m talking about securely attached people here.
Because some people are able to hold onto that light at the end of the tunnel.
And if you can get through the hardest part – the initial resistance and the walls put up, eventually it takes less time to break down the avoidant’s walls, and eventually they slowly begin to trust again.
Avoidant attachment style: In Depth
Avoidant attachment style is not a preference. It is a deep trauma.
The trauma leaves a man unable to be vulnerable enough to make a true connection
Sacred heart university did a study which revealed that people with avoidant attachment style have an inner template through which they view themselves and others, just as anxious people and secure people do.
Secure people have a positive view of the self and others, thus being able to be intimate and trust in relationships.
Anxious people have a negative view of the self and a positive view of others, while avoidant people have a negative view of others and a positive view of themselves.
Related: How to Self Soothe Anxious Attachment In 2 Simple Steps.
- This makes an avoidant’s task of loving you extremely difficult.
- Imagine hoping for love and affection from someone who inherently sees you and your intentions as negative, whilst seeing themselves in a positive light?
- What kind of a relationship would that be?
Bowlby described people with avoidant attachment as having what is called compulsive self-reliance.
Thus, by constantly relying on oneself, they will always push you away.
But here’s the real question:
Why Do You Want The Love Of An Avoidant?
Why?
Why exactly do you want their love?
Is it because you are anxiously attached and feel safe in this cycle of approval-seeking?
Is it because this tension of (he loves me, he loves me not) feels like safety to you?
Is it because your anxious attachment tells you that despite their numerous toxic qualities, this avoidant person is better than you? Or that they’re definitely more reliable than your own anxiety?
Or that this avoidant is worth waiting around for because they’ve shown you a little bit of positive attention here and there? (Likely when they themselves wanted something from you?)
Well…
There are people out there who are capable of loving you in a stable way.
You do realize that, right?
Or is that just too stable, therefore unsafe to you?
Have a think about it and let me know in the comments.
Meanwhile, when is now a good time to figure out your own CORE attachment style?
Are you closer to secure on the spectrum of attachment patterns? Or are you closer to being very insecurely attached (avoidant)?
Maybe you’re highly anxious and highly avoidant?
CLICK HERE to find out with our specially crafted women-specific 10 Question Quiz!
(Why is this important? It is because your core attachment style largely dictates and influences what happens in your relationship. Thus it’s imperative you understand your core attachment style!)
Parting Words
Now that you know that an avoidant cannot truly love you, it’s time to make a decision:
Are you going to stay (since you’re securely attached) and help them trust relationships?
Or are you going to prioritise your sense of sanity and choose a securely attached person?
Perhaps you need to focus on healing your own anxious attachment patterns first?
There’s no right decision. Just your decision.
I wish you all the best moving forward.
If you need help letting go of an avoidant (or healing), here are some articles that will guide you on the right path:
How To Let Go Of An Avoidant Man When You’re Anxious (+ Advice If You’re Secure).
Breakups: How Anxious Attachment Styles Cope And Behave.
Anxious Avoidant Relationship: 7 Steps To Fix It + Should You?
P.S. CLICK HERE to check out my full article archives! Or you may greatly benefit from one of our highly popular paid programs, CLICK HERE to see what we offer right now.
If you want to be supported by a warm community of high value feminine women, then join our Facebook Group. (It’s free and so incredibly valuable!) CLICK HERE TO join thousands of other women in our “High Value Feminine Women” Community.
By the way, while you’re at it, connect with me on social media.
Renee is the founder of The Feminine Woman & co-founder of Shen Wade Media where we teach women how to show up as a high value high status woman whom easily inspires a deep sense of emotional commitment from her chosen man. She graduated with a bachelor of Law and bachelor of Arts majoring in sociology and psychology. She has been a dating and relationship coach for women in the past 15 years and together with her husband D. Shen at Commitment Triggers blog, they have positively influenced the lives of over 20 million women through their articles and videos as well as 10’s of thousands through paid programs through the Shen Wade Media platform.
Connect deeper with her work through the social media links below.