How do you keep a long-term relationship from burning out? Dr. Warren Farrell helps you go from role mate to soulmate.
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How do you maintain passion in a long-term relationship? My podcast guest, Dr. Warren Farrell, has the answers! He has coached couples and psychologists worldwide in couples’ communication for the past 30 years. His popular course is “Role Mate to Soul Mate: The Art and Discipline of Love.” He has been chosen by the Financial Times of London as one of the world’s top 100 thought leaders. His books are published in 19 languages, and include the New York Times bestseller Why Men Are the Way They Are, international bestseller The Myth of Male Power, and 2018’s The Boy Crisis. His previous book on couples’ communication, Women Can’t Hear What Men Don’t Say, was a selection of the Book of the Month Club.
In this episode:
- How couples can maintain passion in a long-term relationship
- How couples can go from ‘role mates’ to ‘soul mates’
- Strategies to stop getting defensive with your partner
- The “Four C’s” that deplete passion and love
EP 623: Warren Farrell – How to Maintain Passion in a Long-Term Relationship
One of the key points in your book is handling personal criticism without becoming defensive. What are some effective strategies couples can use to achieve this?
We are unable to handle criticism without getting defensive. It’s functional for survival but not for love. We need to learn how to listen better and handle feedback. I started to experiment with ways for people to listen to their partner’s criticism without getting defensive. How do you change your brain to handle criticism? We need to set aside caring and sharing time each week before sharing criticism. The formula is two appreciations before and two after criticism. I also helped people set up a conflict free zone. You must put these things into practice.
Important Mindsets:
- The love guarantee. Say out loud to your partner, “If I provide a safe environment for your feelings or story, no matter how you are, you’ll feel more secure with me. You’ll feel more love for me.” They will start associating their partner’s concern with more compassion. They you can have active listening.
- If I’d die for you, the least I can do is listen to you. Sit back to back with your partner, and write down the answer to a question that your partner will never see. The question is, “If your partner is in an accident and has the likelihood of being killed, but you can save your partner and have a 50% chance of dying. Write down yes, no, or uncertain.” 80% of women would risk dying for their partner. 90% of men would risk dying for their partner.
- I’m here to attach to your story and detach from my defenses and prepare a response to what you’re saying. I will say the word “hold” to ask myself to hold for a moment and center myself on one of the six mindsets.
You discuss the concept of moving from ‘role mates’ to ‘soul mates.’ What do you mean by these terms, and why is this transition important for long-lasting long-term relationships?
Role mates are traditionally when the father works and the mother stays home to take care of the kids. Even today without the same structure, when children come, the mother often makes the choice to work less and care for the kids more. The father tends to stay in a full time job. The man often gives up his dreams and focuses more on making money to support the family. It’s exhausting and hard to communicate effectively. You know you should stay together, but you don’t feel connected.
The course helps couples set aside time to appreciate each other. Fill the reservoir of love with specific appreciations, getting more and more specific with your appreciation and curiosity.
You introduce “The Four C’s” that deplete passion and love in long-term relationships. Can you explain what these are?
- Criticized
- Complaints
- Controlled
- Complacent
What are your final words of advice for anyone who wants to go on their last first date?
Facilitate, listen, and no matter what your partner’s differences are, find what you appreciate about that person. Search for the good.
Dr. Farrell’s Social media and website links
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