Most people don’t talk about money when dating. I believe it’s never too early to talk about finances. Here’s how!
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It’s important to talk about money when you’re dating, but it’s a scary or taboo topic for most people. I believe the best time to get on the same page financially is now, not in six months or a year. It doesn’t have to be so hard, especially when you separate out the emotions about money from the facts.
Understanding each other’s financial values and goals early on can help build a strong foundation for the future. It can also reveal any big red flags around debt or poor spending habits. That’s why I’m sharing 5 ways to talk about money early on to avoid problems in the future.
5 Ways to Talk About Money When You’re Dating
1. Practice open communication. As early as the first date, I encourage you to learn about your date’s finances by asking some simple questions, like “Are you saving up for anything fun?” This will give you insight into their personal financial goals and values, and you can see if you’re on the same page. You can even playfully ask to compare credit scores! However, if they repeatedly express their concerns about money on a first date or blame their ex for wiping out their finances, that’s a red flag.
If you find your date disrespecting your opinions about money and how you spend it, that’s a red flag. And if you truly can’t respect their opinions, just walk away. Your values are not aligned, and that will lead to bigger issues later on.
2. Know your personal money story. After a few dates, if you’re becoming more interested in this person, it’s time to discuss your money stories. These are the beliefs about money that were formed by how we were raised, experiences we’ve had or financial lessons we’ve learned along the way. You can ask simple questions like, “My parents always fought about money. Did yours?” Knowing each other’s personal money story helps you identify your emotions around money as well as any bad financial habits you may have. It also clears the way to set money goals and make better financial choices if you become a couple. Sharing your money stories can help you both understand where you’re coming from financially, and it will help you have productive discussions about money in the future.
3. Building transparency and trust around money. As your relationship grows, there are several things to consider when it comes to finances. Do you both live within your means? You can find out more about this by asking a question like, “I’ve been thinking about building a monthly budget. Do you use one?” Learn more about each other by discussing how you both approach spending money. Ask about their short term plans for spending and saving money.
Eventually, you’ll have decide whether to merge finances and accounts, separate them or find a middle ground that works for both of you. The most important thing is transparency around money and trust between partners from the start.
As your relationship evolves, you have several options for handling your finances. Some find it helpful to divide shared expenses. Talk about this early on by asking questions like, “How much do you want to spend on the weekend getaway we’re planning?” One person might pay for dinners out, and the other might cover groceries. If there is pay disparity between the partners, one might take on bigger travel expenses like hotels and airfare, while the other covers meals and day excursions. The key is to talk openly about these things, and ensure that both partners feel like they’re paying their fair share of expenses and agree on the plan together.
4. Talk about debt. If either partner has debt, be transparent and open about it. Clarify the amount of debt, type of debt, and the reasons behind the debt. Be empathic and supportive, but make sure there’s a plan to pay down the debt. Transparency and lack of judgment about debt builds trust between partners. It’s equally important to decide what you’ll do if the debt is not paid down.
5. Address retirement and the future. For new couples in midlife, it’s important to discuss your retirement plans and your vision for the future. Do your financial long-term goals align? Identify your vision for your lifestyle, travel and even work and income for the future. At this stage of life, both partners have had years of financial experience, so it’s important to make sure you have similar expectations regarding when and how you plan to retire and what that looks like for both of you.
Talk about money early and often!
Maintaining open communication about money is crucial for building and sustaining healthy relationships. But, it can be awkward to start a deeper conversation about money. You can start with, “I’m really enjoying how our relationship is growing, and I’d like to talk about something important. You know how they say that the #1 reason couples fight is money? I don’t want that to be us! Sometime soon, I’d like to tell you about where I stand financially and how I think about my money, and I’d really like to hear those things from you, too. What do you think?”
Give them space to take it in and respond. If things get a little tense or emotional, that’s okay. If they shut off or shut down the conversation, pause. Then try again:
“I know money isn’t the easiest topic to talk about. How about we give it some time, and maybe we try again in a few days?”
If you’re met with a hard “no”, that’s a red flag. I hope that’s not the case, because if you can build a relationship on trust and openness around money, you will both be better off.
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