What are live apart together relationships? Why would you choose this lifestyle? Tune in to hear Vicki Larson discuss this important topic!
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Live Apart Together relationships – are they right for you? My podcast guest, Vicki Larson is a longtime award-winning journalist, author of Not Too Old For That: How Women Are Changing the Story of Aging (2022), and co-author of The New I Do: Reshaping Marriage for Skeptics, Realists and Rebels (2014), named a Best Book of 2014 by PopSugar. The lifestyles editor, columnist and writer at a San Francisco Bay Area newspaper, Larson’s writing can also be found in The New York Times, The Washington Post, The Guardian, Aeon, AARP’s The Ethel and Medium among other places. She has also been a guest on numerous radio and television shows as well as podcasts and is considered an expert on live apart together relationships.
In this episode of Last First Date Radio:
- The day-to-day practicalities of an LAT relationship
- Dealing with stigma and judgment when you’re in an LAT relationship
- How to navigate sex in these relationships
- Legal concerns when living apart together
- Busting the many myths about Live Apart Together relationships
EP 621: Vicki Larson – Busting the Myths About Live Apart Together Relationships
What is an LAT relationship?
It requires three things: Committed couple lives separately, they are committed, and others see them as committed. I tweaked that definition for my book. Some couples are solo poly and others sleep in separate bedrooms. Some people also live in a duplex. They all have a space to call their own.
What are some of the many myths about Live Apart Together relationships?
- It’s only for the wealthy. Reality is that when people meet and fall in love, they’re usually already living separately. So, it’s not only for the wealthy. If you do live together, you’ll save money, but that takes a romantic decision and turns it into a financial decision, which shouldn’t be the driver.
- It’s ecologically wasteful. Reality is you might use less energy by living together, but you don’t take into account lifestyle. If a couple goes out to eat a lot, flies a lot, eats beef, drives an SUV, they’re not ecologically better than an LAT person who is vegan or bikes and walks.
- People are more likely to cheat. Reality is with freedom, people might cheat, but many people cheat when they’re living together. The bigger issue is trust, not the lifestyle.
- You’re just dating. We interpret living together as a relationship. The reality is LAT is a committed relationship.
- Something must be wrong. You’re not selfish or avoidant because you don’t live together. You’re self-aware and know what works best for you. It’s hard to live with another person.
What are some of the day-to-day practicalities of an LAT relationship?
You have to communicate better. The couple gets to decide how to communicate and when and where to see each other. There are no rules. One couple keeps an ongoing erotica story to build intimacy. Make sure you fulfill your ‘couple’ needs by communicating with your needs to each other. Talk about finances, too, and how you’ll split expenses when you’re together.
Who is not suited for an LAT relationship?
LAT is not for everyone. If you’re not trusting, jealous, one of the partners wants it and the other doesn’t, this may not be right for you.
How do couples navigate sex in these relationships?
Esther Perel says erotic desire needs space. LATs can create that space. When you miss someone, you idealize them and see all the things you love and the positives, as opposed to living with someone and seeing the negatives. Keep things on a ‘simmer’. Research shows that women who live apart from their partners have higher libidos for longer and have more satisfying sex.
What are your final words of advice for anyone who wants to go on their last first date?
It’s important to be open minded and not feel pressured to have something look a certain way. When you go on a date, you may not think they’re the right person, but it’s important to be curious and open to the possibilities. Know if you’re on the same page about the true must-haves, and then have an open mind and heart. I ask, “Tell me about your best friend.”
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