How do you heal after heartbreak? My podcast guest, therapist Amy Margolis, shares beautiful tips on moving through the pain of a breakup.
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Amy Margolis, LCSW, is a licensed therapist and co-clinical director of Santa Monica Counseling. She works with individuals and couples and runs groups for clients healing from eating disorders, addictions, anxiety, depression, and related issues. Outside the clinical world, Amy is a trained actor, who has focused primarily on voice-over work. She has worked for Nickelodeon, Netflix, Disney, and on many commercials, podcasts, and video games. Mostly, Amy loves being a momma! She is married to Hank, and together they have three children, a dog, and a cat.
In this episode of Last First Date Radio:
- What does the grief process look like after a relationship ends?
- Why do we get so hooked on people?
- Why do we obsess about our ex and how can we stop?
- Why does the grief feel so big when the relationship wasn’t that long (how can it help us heal earlier wounds?
- How do we take what we learned from the relationship and let it inform us moving forward?
EP 620: Amy Margolis – How to Move on and Heal After Heartbreak
What does the grief process look like after a relationship ends?
The five stages of grief are denial, bargaining, anger, sadness, and acceptance. The sixth stage is meaning. There’s no particular order, but they’re all just as important when going through a breakup as they are when processing loss of a loved one. Most people land in therapy at the bargaining stage of the breakup.
Why do people get so attached to the people they date?
Harville Hendrix developed Imago theory, which is that when we are young in a theta state, we develop our attachment style, and when we’re older, we pick the partner who has the characteristics of our caregiver who didn’t give us what we needed growing up. We think we’ll complete the “happily ever after” with this person. Oxytocin bonds us to people we are intimate with. To heal old wounds, you can do emotionally focused therapy with a partner.
Why do people obsess about their ex, and how can they stop?
If it’s a fresh breakup, give yourself grace. It’s a natural part of the process. Say nice things to yourself. Love yourself through it. Try not to do self-destructive things. If it’s still going on months later, you can try other things. Dialogue with your negative critical voices. Journal to help you externalize those voices.
Why does the grief feel so big, even when a relationship is short?
It has to do with our attachment wounds. It also stems from societal and family expectations that the right person will complete you. We think we’ll fill an emotional hole with the right partner, but we need to fill that hole ourselves by working on our wounds.
How do we take what we learned from the relationship and let it inform us moving forward to heal after a breakup?
Breakups are hard! If you can look at your part in how you contributed to the demise of the relationship, you can learn your attachment style, effective communication, deal breakers, non-negotiables, and much more. You don’t really miss him. You miss the you that you were when you were with him. Go do the things you love without him. You’re also grieving the fantasy of the relationship you thought you had. Keep a list of the bad times to remind yourself why this relationship wouldn’t work in the long run.
What are your final words of advice for anyone who wants to go on their last first date?
Be authentic. Have your own opinions. Don’t be performative. That doesn’t last. Live from the inside out, meaning how do you feel about them? Don’t marry potential. Pay attention to what they say and do. They are not your solution. They are an expansion. Be as happy as you can single.
Connect with Amy: https://linktr.ee/amymargmsw
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