They may not say it outright, but it’s clear:
A lot of ladies out there have a subconscious belief that in order to be “feminine”, they must be and do a number of rigid things.
Namely, femininity is about feminine receiving energy – that you just receive from men and be receptive.
Furthermore, they believe that in order to be feminine, they must:
- Never initiate with a man
- Never get angry
- Never feel aggressive, or
- Have any kind of seemingly unacceptable or unpleasant energy, lest that come across as “masculine”.
Instead, feminine energy is mistakenly assumed by a lot of women to be always warm, soft and passive.
Here’s an article on why, if you never initiate with men, you will lose the high value ones.
Many women, especially if they have been single for a long time, latch onto assumptions about receiving and giving.
They think that feminine energy is supposed to “receive” from men, rather than “give”, because giving is what the masculine is all about.
That’s just not true.
First of all, giving and receiving is an erroneous way to define feminine and masculine energy.
It’s erroneous because it’s mixing unrelated frameworks and ideas together into one. Let me ask you something:
If it’s so feminine to receive and so masculine to give, then why do so many women talk about “giving” a man sex?
Though it’s great to have the capacity to be a soft feminine woman, who said that by being only in your feminine, that was the answer to being feminine?
What if the answer to being more feminine is that you also need your masculine energy to develop a healthy feminine energy?
Avoiding one energy in pursuit of another isn’t the answer!
The Bastardisation Of The Ideas Of “Masculine” And “Feminine”….
Who misplaced this special framework of masculine and feminine energy in such a way?
I know what did…probably the internet culture that encourages the dilution and misappropriation of good, original ideas.
As someone who has been in this industry for 15 years, it’s very sad and frustrating for me to see this happen to such an original and special framework for helping couples and individuals.
It seems as though these days, hardly anyone remembers or knows the original teachers of the feminine/masculine framework.
What’s worse:
People aren’t aware of the true usefulness of this framework in a woman’s life.
I am not the original teacher and creator of the masculine/feminine framework.
But I certainly learned about the framework of feminine and masculine energy through the original and best teachers.
And guess what. These teachers?
They never led me astray.
They never gave me reason to wrongly assume that this framework of “being in your feminine” was about receiving.
Or that it was about “roles” that men and women “should” inhabit for dating and relationships.
They also never gave me the idea that it was about a dogma that should be adhered to in all areas of a woman’s life.
They never gave me the impression that when dating, the holy grail was being “feminine”.
They always maintained that masculine and feminine energy is independent of GENDER, and that we all have feminine and masculine energy.
It’s very damaging to unconsciously assign ‘roles’ to yourself and to men for the sake of rules given to you by some internet cult.
Do the quiz: Which of these 8 feminine archetypes am i?
What Has Happened To The Framework Of “Feminine” & “Masculine”?
This idea of feminine energy has been abused to the death and I have had enough.
I’ve watched it from a distance, and it’s become a train wreck.
I believe it’s time for us to use proper thinking caps.
Rather than attach ourselves blindly to erroneous ideas of what it means to be “feminine”, we should value proper education about what feminine energy actually is.
We should know how and if feminine energy can even be useful to us!
If you’re genuinely interested in learning about feminine energy, and in what contexts of dating and intimate relationship it could serve you, perhaps start with the book “intimate communion” by David Deida.
David Deida, despite having done his own research on this topic decades ago, is also someone who seems to have been at least partly inspired by the ancient wisdom of shiva (masculine energy) and shakti (feminine energy) in yogic principles.
Read more about shiva and shakti here.
Many ancient cultures understand the purpose of feminine and masculine energy.
It is the culture of the internet that has caused this framework to be bastardised.
With the introduction of many self proclaimed gurus who want to avoid the 9-5 life, they have created erroneous ideas that are damaging in more ways than one.
David Deida is the initiator of these feminine and masculine energy teachings for intimate relationships in the realm of english literature (or the modern western world).
Just so you’re aware:
Many of the good teachers on the topic of masculine and feminine energy – people like Anthony Robbins or Michaela Boehm for example, at least partly learned from David Deida.
They were mentored by him in some capacity.
Either through reading his books, consulting with him, or by running live workshops alongside him.
These are teachers who take a great deal of responsibility for the teachings surrounding masculine and feminine energy.
They are people who care about the results of their work and who are truly here to serve you properly.
Be Careful Who You Learn About Feminine And Masculine Energy From…
Before we get into it, remember to be careful who you choose to learn from.
The quality of your mentor or teacher makes a big difference to how you show up, because you end up modelling them and being influenced by them.
You are a woman and therefore, you get attached to ideas.
You hold onto ideas when on your quest to get advice for finding your one and only true love.
So, do take that seriously.
Be sure of what kind of person your mentor and teachers are!
Try to feel their intent, and always question and TEST any ideas out for yourself.
I know it’s hard as a single woman to know what to trust.
Sometimes you feel so alone that you latch on to any idea that ‘seems’ to make you feel in control.
But there’s one thing you MUST do for yourself when you feel your have the resources to do so, and that is to think critically.
When you never think critically, you become more short-sighted.
Many women shun intelligence in favour of feelings of control.
Yet:
When you never question anything, and feel how new ideas sit with you in your gut, you become a puppet.
Puppets are vulnerable to erroneous surface ideas.
They are also vulnerable to the manipulation of incompetent teachers and cult leaders.
Unfortunately, some intellectual looters now have impulsively bought into the idea of feminine and masculine energy without truly understanding it, and they have run with the feminine/masculine framework.
This has quite possibly irreparably damaged the framework for millions of innocent women (and men) on the internet and otherwise.
Here’s a video my husband and I made on the topic of the myths of feminine and masculine energy…
What IS Feminine Energy Anyway?
First off, feminine energy isn’t about receiving or about “virtuous” endeavours.
It is about the changing energy of life (or the life force).
The way you manifest your feminine energy is through being at one with the expression of what’s real.
Feminine energy is about the part of us that’s moved by emotion in intimate relationships, and it’s the part of us that’s moved by love.
The feminine opens to love – both giving and receiving it.
This means that your own giving and receiving needs to be fluid and attuned.
Rather than contrived due to ideas about “roles” and “rules” for the feminine and masculine.
Here’s a little infographic for you, defining what masculine and feminine energy actually are…
Sometimes to be feminine means to give love in ways that some might define as ‘masculine’.
For example, inviting a man to a concert if it feels right.
Or bringing a man his favourite meal of nachos on his birthday whilst he’s working hard.
I decorated my man’s room with carefully cut out brightly coloured cardboard hearts on Valentine’s Day as a surprise in our first 8 months of dating.
Sounds so masculine and low value, right?
Until you consider that during that early, vulnerable time, he bought me a much coveted $400 cherry dress when he had no money.
He was broke and living on peanut butter sandwiches. He went into debt to purchase that for me.
He appreciates the gesture of hearts, and it’s a fond memory for both of us.
Receptivity Is Not The Word That Defines Feminine Energy
Rather than being ‘receptive’ or warm all the time, in order to be the life force, we have to embody what’s real.
What’s real and authentic is anything but the passive energy involved in “always letting men initiate”.
Newsflash: You CAN initiate and add value by being playful!
Here’s an article on Do Not Chase Him. Initiate in High Value Ways Instead.
And as for the idea that the feminine “receives” – I get it.
The penis enters the vagina.
That’s the action some people like to picture in their minds when we consider the concept that the feminine receives.
The sperm swims to the egg; the egg doesn’t swim to the sperm. (A concept you see floating around social media and “level up” groups a lot these days).
But again, this is such a surface truth.
Because the egg spends half a month working itself up to the point where it actually travels down to MEET the sperm.
Think about that for a moment. What does this tell you and the sperm and the egg? Does it give you any other ideas about the sperm and the egg that may be different to what you’ve believe in the past?
We can also argue that the masculine energy receives. (More on that soon).
Some argue that men are the providers because that’s the “role” of masculine energy.
Well, in the original framework of shakti (feminine energy), some say that the feminine energy provides, because it is the nurturer!
Are you starting to see how important it is that we know the meaning of the words we are using? In modern culture the meaning of/definition of many important words has been debased in favor of feelings, not facts.
Should Feminine And Masculine Be Defined By Giving And Receiving?
I say that feminine or masculine shouldn’t be defined by giving and receiving, at all.
In fact, you might be surprised to find out that historically, women also took on the role of providers and actually hunted for food too.
Yes, they “provided” as well!
I discussed this and gave research evidence for it in my article on How To Make Him Chase You & Value You.
Feminine Energy Is NOT About Receiving!
When a man enters a woman’s body intimately, does he not “receive” your moment by moment sounds and responses to his movement?
In that process, doesn’t he also “adjust” accordingly?
Is that not possible?
Receptivity is the rule between any hyper-attuned couple.
Not just the more feminine soul. It’s not her job solely, just like giving is not solely the more “masculine” person’s job.
Honestly, if the man is not attuned, he’s not receptive. If the woman is not attuned, she’s not receptive.
And through this mutual lack of receptivity, the depth of the relationship breaks down.
This is one reason why a man who is not attuned to you is a huge red flag in dating.
Allow me the privilege to suggest to you that despite how much you believe that the feminine energy receives, so does the masculine energy!
Do the quiz: how commitment friendly is my man?
Is Receptivity A Crucial Component Of Masculine Energy?
Masculine energy grows through challenge.
So, for a moment, imagine men out hunting for buffalo.
When completing that task, they have to be receptive to not only the changing environment, but to the circumstances and adapt accordingly.
Just because they hunt, doesn’t mean they don’t or aren’t required to be highly receptive in this very masculine task.
It’s no different to a seasoned fisherman.
They are so experienced after years of hunting the fish, they have developed a sensitivity and receptivity to the whereabouts of the fish!
The seasoned fishermen don’t always blindly go out hunting and take a stab in the dark.
And this is because they somehow just know where the fish are!
That’s because they are receptive to the information that is being provided to them by unseen forces.
The most intelligent, forward-thinking, problem-solving men in the world, are the most receptive!
The masculine men who make a woman swoon are arguably the most receptive.
This is mainly due to their response and receptivity to what women actually like.
Receptivity doesn’t make you more feminine by default. Praise will! The feminine energy grows through praise. It magnifies with praise.
So, let’s throw away this idea that it’s feminine to receive or that it’s masculine to give.
To receive or to be receptive is a human skill or trait.
A human skill or trait that’s necessary for relating to and attuning to humans.
It hasn’t got a single thing to do with feminine and masculine energy.
The Straightjacket Of Modern “Feminine Energy” Ideas
I know that some women believe that you’re not allowed to be anything that might make you seem “too masculine”, too frustrated, too opinionated or too arrogant.
They don’t believe in ‘initiating’ because apparently, it’s chasing and that’s masculine energy. (Oh dear god, please help all of us women.)
This is not masculine energy.
And not initiating isn’t feminine energy.
Often, not initiating is just fear.
Fear of risk.
It’s closure to love, for fear of being hurt.
It is ANYTHING but feminine.
Also, initiating and chasing are different things.
MORE: How To Make Him Chase You And Value You? [High Value Woman Secrets].
Chasing Isn’t Masculine…
Second of all, yes, you might be taking value when you chase a man.
But you’re not automatically being masculine if you chase a man.
Let’s keep masculine and feminine energy out of it.
Here’s something I want you to understand:
In the men’s dating advice circles, MEN give advice to other MEN, telling them to never chase a woman!
Wait – what? How does that even work?
Why is the same advice circulating in men’s and women’s circles?
The reason this happens is because this ‘don’t initiate’ is mediocre advice.
It’s superficial, basic advice.
This advice is emanating from the desire to try to RAISE one’s perceived mate value (without even realising that it doesn’t ever increase your actual intrinsic value as a mate).
They don’t understand this idea of real intrinsic mate value.
They only know superficial band-aids to try to give the impression of higher mate value.
This advice also emanates in some cases from fear of taking any risks, for fear of being hurt if you DO engage.
This should tell you that this advice is more a power thing.
It’s a certainty and safety thing than a feminine or masculine thing.
Just because it’s the “safer”, less risky path, doesn’t make it “feminine”!
The Virtue Signalling In Modern Feminine Energy Ideas
Another issue with the modern erroneous ideas of feminine energy seem to carry this virtue signalling.
It’s like women put this unconscious expectation on other women to not have a desire to initiate with men, that it makes them look low value or out of control if they do.
Also, the virtue signallers sometimes insinuate that truly ‘feminine’ women don’t ever have rage or frustration, and they’re not allowed to be emotionally ‘imperfect’.
I’m just putting out a reminder to you that IT’S OKAY to have anger, rage, hurt and yes, even aggression.
You are not some robot trying to fit into silly ideals perpetrated by cults on the internet.
Here’s an article I wrote, on Should I Control My Emotions To Be More High Value?
You are not somehow more worthy just because you give the impression that you are more ‘controlled’ or ‘elegant’ emotionally.
For all anyone knows, you could just be desensitized!
You could be avoiding grief and therefore never show up as the one and only woman to men.
You could just be too afraid of the truth, or of the potency of your own emotions.
Feminine energy is dark and it’s light.
As a woman inside of a romantic relationship, or even as a woman dating men, the last thing you should aim for is a perfect record of being emotionally controlled.
Because that kind of goal wreaks havoc on the rawness and realness of who you are.
Now, just because I’m saying it’s ok to not be controlled, doesn’t mean that you suddenly blurt out your resentment to a new guy!
You also don’t want to over-share unflattering information about yourself to men, just because you think that’s what vulnerability and femininity means.
That’s not vulnerability. That’s fear.
It’s approval seeking stemming from a deep-seated fear that you are not worthy of love.
And not feeling worthy of love stems from abandonment issues.
Here are 15 signs to test if you have abandonment issues or not.
But you certainly wouldn’t want to make your rules about feminine energy the basis of how you show up on your dates.
I’m saying, it’s ok to be YOU.
ALL of you.
So, yes, sometimes that means being controlled also has value in some contexts!
We don’t just live (and love) in one single dimension here.
For example, it could be totally valuable for you to be controlled if your 66 year old husband has lost control of his bowels and you need to be there to help clean up the mess.
Or if your boyfriend has had an accident of some sort in front of you, and you need to be there to hold things together.
Being a “feminine” woman doesn’t preclude us from being useful and relevant.
Here’s an article I wrote on How To Be More Feminine. (The advice on becoming more feminine in that article won’t be anything to do with being receptive or never initiating!)
Is It High Value To Be Passive Or Emotionally Unrevealing And Controlled?
First of all, what is the real point of adhering to rules or to being “controlled”?
That might be good for your work environment and for keeping your job, but in a relationship?
Most of the time, it just feels fake to the smart men.
To inexperienced, superficial men, it feels ‘easy’ and ‘low maintenance’ (all the while, their girlfriend is out cuckolding them, as they never noticed that their woman wasn’t emotionally loyal).
One of the most damaging things to a healthy intimate relationship is an emotionally stunted or suppressed woman.
This is because a woman’s AUTHENTIC emotions are either a weapon or an inspiration.
To smart, commitment-oriented men, if you’re trying to be controlled and ‘cool’ most of the time as a way to wear a SHELL of ‘high value’, it feels like you’re hiding something!
And that’s exactly what is happening with most women who try to control their emotions.
Smart, commitment-ready men need to feel you to commit to you emotionally (and not out of obligation).
Smart, commitment-ready men have to feel your soul as a woman, in order to trust you.
Here are 10 Signs of A Commitment Phobic Man.
Men Who Commit Out Of Obligation Are The Laughing Stock Of Other Men…
See, men who commit out of obligation to the wrong woman are the laughing stock of other men.
Men who commit to a high value woman, the ‘right’ woman, are the object of respect for other high value men.
If you’re an ‘emotionally controlled’ (read: dulled and desensitised) woman, then sure, some men would deem you as lower maintenance, and therefore ‘better’ than other women.
But that just means that they’ve managed to encourage you to become more like MEN. More controlled and less unpredictable.
Women are not meant to be controlled. They are supposed to be real.
This is why pretending you have everything under control is one of the traits you want to avoid if you want to be a high value woman. Here’s an article on the topic of being high value.
To be real means to be at one with life, instead of forcing your rules upon yourself and others, thereby imposing yourself upon life.
Being real means your emotions are not always controlled.
Please note:
I didn’t say being real means to abuse a man by making him responsible for all your past mistakes (or for the mistakes of other men before him).
I said being real means your emotions aren’t always controlled.
The Danger Of An Emotional Backlog…
I mean, imagine this right?
Imagine trying to hold in your poo for the REST of your life, so that you could adhere to an erroneous feminine ideal and be perceived as a “clean” and upstanding woman…
You’d be walking around with a horribly repulsive look on your face, first of all.
The ‘stink’ would come out on your face, just like the stink of resentment would be seen by everyone on your face.
To achieve holding in your poo forever, you would have to stop eating completely. That means you’d have to stop nourishing your body.
This means the essence of who you are and your healthy expressiveness would be non existent.
Eventually, your body would scream for nutrition, and so you’d give in, feed it, and then POOF.
The poo comes out the other end at a very inappropriate time and place, and you’ve therefore failed to achieve what you set out to achieve.
The same thing happens with emotions.
You pretend it’s not there, you downplay it for the sake of your rules, and it grows, like a cancer.
That cancer eventually impedes upon the quality of your life and the quality of life of the people around you. Even innocent strangers.
If you don’t think you should be controlled per se, but your true ideal of feminine energy is to be warm, receptive and “feminine” for a man most of the time, at least begin by asking yourself why you don’t feel warm all the time.
It’s great to be warm, but you have to be genuinely warm. And nobody who is smart is warm to everybody, all the time.
After all, in this life, there are people (including men) who will take from you, drain you, and try to hurt you.
And life will demand that you respond with something other than warmth.
And if you keep trying to be warm and receptive and “feminine”, you’ll lose your soul.
Not to mention, you’ll become less and less relevant, and feel less and less “real” to that special man who truly loves your soul.
Feminine Energy is NOT Always High Value!
Most men (smart men) know what value is. You can’t fool them.
And no, it’s not your changeability or lack of emotional control that ultimately makes them see you as “low value”.
All the incredible, emotionally committed, wonderful men I know are extremely intelligent in their ability to read a woman’s value.
They’d see through you, and see something fishy in your adherence to strange rules about feminine energy, immediately.
In fact, there are exactly 7 signs that a woman is perceived as low value to men. Do you know what they are (and how to avoid them like the plague?) find out here.
Aim For Good Emotional Health…
See, I understand that for some women, this is not about being controlled (even though that’s what they’re actually trying to make themselves become).
Instead, perhaps you want to be perceived as emotionally healthy, and at least most of the time, balanced.
If nothing else, you want to feel emotionally healthy for yourself! Totally understandable.
In order to do that however, many women need an enormous cleanse of their decades of rejecting supposedly negative emotions like anger and hurt.
There is no band-aid you can wear to try to cover up years of rejecting your emotions and rejecting your body’s need to grieve.
No amount of blocking out pain can change the hurt you feel from your toxic, manipulative ex boyfriend.
On the topic of toxicity and manipulation, here’s an article on signs of gaslighting in a relationship and how to heal from it.
Resentment always finds its way out in your views, low value mindsets, your actions and your beliefs.
When you have far too much rage, which lots of us do form past relationships, we get funny ideas in our head.
Funny ideas like the idea of being passively feminine, receptive and warm to a man so that you can attract the highest value man.
Yet, such an idea would lead you to become less alive and real, and therefore without substance.
It makes you one-dimensional to place rules upon yourself and men about what we all have to do in order to be a ‘feminine’ woman or a ‘masculine’ man.
When you’re a one-dimensional woman without substance, men will find you boring, no matter how deliciously passive you are.
And they will yearn for something more ‘real’.
Something with real mystery and value.
Here’s a great article on 3 Steps To Become A Woman Of Mystery & Feminine Allure.
To Be More Feminine: Remove The Masks. Feel MORE.
Perhaps all you need to become more feminine is simply to remove the masks and feel more.
So, explore more who you are beneath the layers of coping and striving.
By feeling more, you actually become smarter because you’re more sensitive and attuned to when men are at, as well as where you yourself are at.
Although showing up as ‘feminine’ and passive and ‘never initiating’ because that’s the man’s “role” might make you feel safer, more protected and more ‘certain’, it’s never going to add to your skills in creating connection and attraction with any man or any human.
Connection and attraction are the only two important things that will help drive your relationship from dating to commitment.
If you want to have the skills to create connection and attraction, then learn the skills of throwing attraction pebbles or the skills of high value banter.
Feminine Energy Is Anything But Passive!
Feminine energy is anything but passive.
And if your aim is to be passive in order to achieve this “feminine” ideal that so many women mistakenly chase these days, you WILL pay a hefty price in dating.
Usually, the price is the one you least want to pay – the price of not being able to attract the most quality men.
Here’s the bottom line:
Good men out there in the dating world aren’t looking for a strictly feminine woman.
They might ‘think’ they are looking for a feminine woman, but it means little.
What the men you want are really looking for, is a woman who inspires them to commit.
Because believe it or not, all men secretly love to commit. And here are 3 good reasons why they secretly love to commit.
Smart men who had at least a somewhat healthy upbringing are scanning women for themselves.
They ultimately choose to be there with you, in a relationship with you, dating you, pursuing you, for themselves and their future and the future of their offspring.
As such, rather than chiefly looking for feminine energy, they’re looking for real value.
Value that’s worth their emotional energy and time.
Think about your own desires in finding a man.
You love a good masculine man, but what does that really mean?
What if he’s masculine, has a strong direction, but doesn’t value your vision for a future and family together because he’s so focused on his direction?
What if he’s masculine, but imposes his desires upon you in a way that makes you feel like you’re never heard?
What if he’s so extremely masculine – but is inept when it comes to speaking the language of intimate relationship?
Wouldn’t that leave you with a hell of a lot of work to do with him? Isn’t it much more valuable for you to have a man who is also connected to his feminine energy?
What if he’s masculine, but he’s a womaniser?
What if he’s masculine, but always defensive?
What if he’s masculine, but lives small?
What if he’s masculine, but has low self esteem? Here’s a test to see whether he has low self esteem or not.
Is all that so great and valuable to you?
Of course not!
You want a man with value. The most valuable men are the ones who are multi-dimensional.
They aren’t confined by rigid rules or by fear.
Masculine energy is on a spectrum.
Often, the men who are extremely masculine (on the extreme end of the spectrum), are the ones who are the hardest to be in a relationship with.
This is because they aren’t well versed in the language of relationships.
Also, they don’t value nor respect the innate intelligence of the feminine.
This is why, in my popular article ‘10 Telltale Signs He Is A Highly Evolved, Masculine Alpha Male’, I suggested that a man who is not attuned to others will tend to disproportionately value his masculine views of the world.
This causes him to devalue the feminine viewpoint.
Since it’s a different viewpoint from his own, and probably also more emotional and therefore not easy to control.
So, I want you to understand that feminine energy (learned from proper definitions and from proper role models), might definitely help you have more polarity with more men.
But it is not the ultimate secret to get you a high value man, and it is only a small part of the picture.
Please understand that feminine energy has become this bastardised buzz word on the internet.
Every woman wants to achieve it.
But most of them are misguided in what’s required.
More importantly, they don’t realise that the original teachers for this framework, created the framework to help very specific people in very specific contexts!
Accessing feminine energy requires that you relax into it
Any good teacher would tell you that in order to emanate more of your unique feminine energy, you need to relax into it. It’s not about being passive.
A lot of women think they need to do more leaning back, do more warmth, do less initiating, be passive etc.
This advice SO speaks to the anxious and scared women who have insecure attachment styles!
(Why is this important? It is because your core attachment style largely dictates and influences what happens in your relationship. Thus it’s imperative you understand your core attachment style!)
So I really get it! Dating is hard.
However, being more feminine is a re-claiming of your authentic expression and your wildness as a woman.
And if you do that, don’t expect it to be valuable in every context of a relationship.
You being feminine, rather than coming in a clean package of ‘being receptive and non initiating’, is something that’s already within you.
It shows up when you allow yourself to relax your coping mechanisms, and simply come fully alive.
The Usefulness Of The “Masculine” And “Feminine” Framework Is More Limited Than You Realize…
For the record, the usefulness of the feminine/masculine framework is very limited in your life and in your relationship.
There’s lots of other useful frameworks through which to fix your dating and relationship problems.
It was never intended to be a dogma that chains single women to a myopic view of what true value is to men.
Your value lies not just in your feminine energy (although that’s a part of it).
Your value lies in how much actual value you have to offer a man.
Here’s a screenshot of a beautiful story posted by one of our members, of how she almost shunned her boyfriend on his birthday out of fear of being “too masculine” if she did anything for him.
Instead, she was compelled to bring him his favourite meal on his birthday while he was working super hard.
And what she got in return is a beautiful, vulnerable thank you from him.
Yes, from a masculine man.
Read it for yourself.
So, focus on cultivating real value that men actually perceive value in.
Try not to get obsessed and overly attached to bad or surface ideas that only allow you to engage less.
A lot of surface ideas really only allow you to compete with other women, yet in the process, you actually completely bypass the real game: showing up as a woman of value to MEN.
That’s true value.
And that true value is cultivated through real attunement to men.
And real connection to ALL parts of your own personality and your soul.
Not just the parts that you consider to be feminine and therefore “worthy” of love.
Men care a lot more about the connection they feel with you than they care about your unspoken ideals for feminine and masculine “roles”.
For all they care, your idea that THEY have a masculine role to fulfill for YOU, could feel stifling to them.
On that note, here are the 9 Dangers of Leaning Back & Why It’s NOT Feminine.
If You Want To Become High Value, Start By Understanding What Value IS To MEN…
What does it really mean to be high value?
Far from just being ‘feminine’, it means to be a woman of value.
A woman of value engages.
She’s playful. In fact, she will often lead with playfulness when dating.
She’s alive and she’s healing and uplifting to men just by being able to access ALL parts of herself, and therefore set a man’s soul free, because he can be more of himself, too.
Yes, this means you aren’t going to be nice all the time.
This means you can’t be afraid to use playful banter and play push and pull with men.
In fact, playful banter and push and pull will only HELP you pass the tests of men and in turn, to test them!
(And yes, of course we test each other in the initial months and years – sometimes even after years together!).
Here are the 5 Things Every Woman Ought to Know About Men.
High Value Men Don’t Need You To Pretend Nothing Happened
…Or to hold everything in.
The other thing I want you to understand is that high value men who are authentic, don’t want you to be passive or to hold your emotions in!
And this includes when they pull away.
When they come back, (if they come back) you should never pretend nothing happened.
See our deeper discussion on how to stay high value when he pulls away.
If a man wants you passive all the time (for example, even outside of the bedroom!), that often means that either he wants you purely for his own ends (as arm candy) or as a woman he can control.
A man with low self esteem will often force you into never having your feelings be heard.
He’ll force you into submission by making you small, compliant and passive.
That’s not you being in your feminine.
That’s just toxic.
Quality men don’t actually expect you to seem virtuous and hold all your emotions in, pretending nothing happened.
That’s actually not what a real woman looks like. That’s not what responsiveness looks like.
Real women FEEL anger. Real women HAVE anger.
Real women have spontaneous, sometimes imperfect and ugly emotion that does get felt and does come out.
But as long as it’s not coming out due to decades of pent up emotions towards old relationships and people – it’s real emotion.
If it’s old anger or resentment coming out, then it’s wrong and uncalibrated.
However, if it’s primary emotion, that’s fine. That means that it’s human, it’s high value vulnerability and it’s relatable.
If it’s real-time emotion, it’s calibrated and understandable and human.
It’s usually a somewhat calibrated and spontaneous response to LIFE.
I have a little more info for you on primary emotion here in my article 4 Top Secret Ways to Access Your High Value Vulnerability.
Primary Emotion And Your Vulnerability With Men
I can remember more than one instance in which I was watching my oldest son in jiu jitsu class, and there were a couple of very aggressive kids there who, for no particular reason, would be heavy handed during pre-class play.
One of them headbutted my son, and since I’m pretty much always watching, the impact of the knock made me gasp out loudly in fear and shock.
I felt like I stuck out like a sore thumb among all the other parents, because of my emotional response.
Guess what the instructors (who are male) did?
No, they didn’t laugh at me, assuming I was out of control.
They DID something about it. They responded and dealt with the problem at hand without a second thought or judgement.
I know they may have already felt a responsibility to my son, but in that moment, I was reminded how nice a feeling it is to have men respond to what is.
I didn’t need to have a discussion. I didn’t need to convince.
My expression of primary emotion spoke FOR me.
And it was the primary emotion of an invested mother.
Mothers aren’t always in control.
They give life and raise that life, and in doing that, they have a lot of primary emotion related to their child as they are invested in that child. (They carried, birthed, and with any luck breastfed that child!!)
Some Final Words…
I’m sorry this article has been so long, but I just wanted to leave you with one final word.
If you are a woman who believes in “feminine energy” principles that dictate that you have to ‘receive’ and ‘let men give or ‘let men always initiate’, then you are a woman who won’t inspire emotional commitment from men.
You will show up as a woman who has no real emotion.
Because you never allowed yourself to get invested from the start. You chose your actions based on rules and fear.
To the good smart men, a woman who doesn’t invest AT ALL is a massive warning sign of a potentially bad mother.
That’s the last thing you want to show up to be as a woman.
The quicker you invest something small, whether it be a simple generous offer to pay for a cup of tea on a FIRST date, or whether it’s a playful text msg, the quicker you see who a man is!
You see, advice like ’never initiate’ and the 80/20 rule of contact and the rule of rotational dating or multi dating produce in a woman a drastically reduced level of emotional attachment.
That might sound great, but do you really think that’s an intelligent way of solving the problem of a woman’s bias to attach early?
Would swinging the pendulum too far the other way by detaching, perhaps send a signal to men that you aren’t authentic and real?
That’s a question for you to answer for yourself.
I hope you enjoyed this article (and the video).
They were both long. But when you have something important to share, it doesn’t always come in bite-sized portions. 🙂
P.S. Connect with me on social media
Our new Facebook Group is here… Join the “High Value Feminine Women” Community using this link.
Renee is the founder of The Feminine Woman & co-founder of Shen Wade Media where we teach women how to show up as a high value high status woman whom easily inspires a deep sense of emotional commitment from her chosen man. She graduated with a bachelor of Law and bachelor of Arts majoring in sociology and psychology. She has been a dating and relationship coach for women in the past 15 years and together with her husband D. Shen at Commitment Triggers blog, they have positively influenced the lives of over 20 million women through their articles and videos as well as 10’s of thousands through paid programs through the Shen Wade Media platform.
Connect deeper with her work through the social media links below.