When I think about our first few years of marriage, life was simple. I was working. Nancy was going to school and working. Sure, we had our struggles, but we were getting to know each other at a deeper level. We had few distractions from our marriage. That was phase one for us—those early years of marriage without kids.
Phase two started when the kids came, and they were an incredible blessing. Our marriage grew during that time, but it was different than before. There were now four of us, and the kids took a lot of time and energy. We had to be very intentional about our time together as husband and wife.
I think raising kids is the perfect example of the idea that “the days are long, but the years go really fast.” I thought the diaper years would never end!
Then came the empty nest years as the kids left home and began their journeys into adulthood. If couples can navigate the “kids at home” years well and stay connected and intentional in their relationship, this transition to the empty nest phase can go pretty smoothly. However, if a couple neglects their relationship while raising kids, this transition to the empty nest phase can be very trying.
When I think about the different phases we’ve been through there are 3 things that kept us married through each phase’s highs and lows:
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God. Of course. Praying together, praying over our marriage, and asking God to sustain us kept us together. Spending time in Scripture together will grow both your knowledge of and closeness to God. If you aren’t praying for your marriage and asking God to guide you, start today! He is the one who sustains everything.
2. Continue to think of us as a married couple and use “we” language. During those years of raising children it’s easy to start living separate lives. But even when we didn’t have much time for each other we both fought for the “we” language. We fought for it in our thought lives, our conversations with friends and family, and we fought for it in our calendars. We made sure we knew we were a couple and that we were a team, and we fought for time together.
3. Look ahead. Dream together, plan for the future, and have things to look forward to. Shared anticipation of good things in your future will bring excitement and energy into your marriage. Make a bucket list for the year, try a new hobby together, plan a weekend getaway or think of where you can volunteer and help others together. Have fun with the planning phase and then have fun executing the plan together – win/win!
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