A pickme girl is someone who undercuts other women in order to be “chosen” by men.
Ostensibly, she is so desperate to secure male attention (or favors) that she’s willing to go about it in cheap ways.
Cheap ways means she risks losing self respect and looking low value in the process.
(Not to mention losing female friends whilst doing it, as she’s undermining them by behaving this way).
Imagine a woman jumping up and down waving her hands wildly, yelling: “pick me! Pick me!” to a highly desired man and you have the right idea.
The term sounds simple enough, doesn’t it?
However, like most terms, pickmeisha or pickme girl has landed in the hands of toxic people with ulterior motives.
Thus, the term has become rather loathsome.
What are the 7 common signs a woman is low value in the eyes of men? CLICK here to discover the 7 common signs that a woman is perceived as low value in the eyes of men in this special report.
(Why is this important? Because men and women perceive value very differently and you don’t want to be making mistakes that would cause quality men to dismiss, abandon or alienate you.)
What Is A Pickme Girl? (It’s Different For Different People)
Unfortunately, the simplicity of this term has been corrupted by not only toxic people using it in a derogatory way, but through the multiple different ways women use the term.
In fact, a lot of women take the term completely out of context.
Some women use the term “pickmeisha” to describe desperate women, and others use it to describe women who are abused or women they see as victims of the “patriarchy”.
Another camp of women use the term to refer to women who let themselves be controlled by men.
Recommended: 17 Early Signs Of A Controlling Man (He Wishes You Never Knew).
Furthermore, some women call other women pickemeishas for going 50:50 with men or for seeing men as “the prize” (rather than herself as the prize).
Some women use this term so foolishly that it’s hard to respect its utility. Here’s an example from nairaland:
“Pickmesha’s lack game and strategy and go into relationships blindly and erratically. they still believe in fairytales, and struggle love, hoping for prince charming after he made her jump through hoops and cross seven seas and end up crying when he leaves her for another woman but not without sucking her dry and running away with her money and investments, leaving her in debt, or leaving her pregnant or with children to take care of.”
To put it simply, it’s not only pickmeishas who “go into relationships blindly and erratically”.
Normal women do it too. Women who:
- Haven’t had a strong father figure by their side
- Women who lack knowledge on men (or simply do not understand them or don’t want to understand them)
- Women who don’t know how to test men and their intent before getting emotionally invested
Related: 5 Revealing Questions To Ask A Guy To Know His Intentions.
Going by this woman’s “definition” of a pickme girl I just quoted, you could conclude she’s saying that pickmeishas are women who don’t think clearly before they invest in a man.
Which is, again, a human mistake, not a pickmeisha mistake.
But what is the purported solution (or “rehabilitation” from being a pickmeisha)?
For those of you who don’t know, the internet movement on reddit called “Female Dating Strategy” claims to have the solution for how to recover from being a pickmeisha.
And what is their solution?
Usually, it’s:
- Taking care of yourself first (not bad advice, really);
- Realizing that All Men Are Like That (They call it “AMALT” – read more here). To quote them: “Thinking “Not all men” is DETRIMENTAL to your safety. “Not all men are rapists”. Fine. But if I gave you a pack of gummy bears and told you one was poisoned, wouldn’t you treat each of them as potentially lethal? Let them prove to you that they are “not like the other men”; and
- Having “standards” (read: expectations) for men
….All of which is just as blind as the pickmeishas actions, ironically.
Why are these “solutions” just as blind (and stupid?)
- Because they cause disconnects with men. They encourage you to become stuck up, oppositional and snobby from the male perspective.
- Especially with this concept “AMALT” – if you assume that pickme women are overly optimistic or naive, then going to the other extreme and being overly negative is not intelligent, nor is it good problem solving.
Quite simply, it’s just jadedness (or even disgust applied broadly to all men).
- Finally, because the more expectations you have, the more rules you have. And the more rules you have, the more entitled you become.
And you know how the internet feels about entitled people…
Here’s an example of their expectations (they are not standards in my definition, because standards are something you have for yourself, while expectations are what you have for men) from reddit:
Keep in mind that all the above are offered as possible solutions on how to reform yourself after being a lifelong “pickmeisha”.
So now I ask you:
Is having standards (expectations) for men any better than being a pickmeisha?
They are just both on the extremes of self-sabotaging behavior.
I know this is an unpopular statement to make, almost as if I am anti women taking care of themselves first.
I’m not.
Just consider this:
Whilst the opposite of the pickmeishas claim to look after themselves first, what they’re mostly doing is sabotaging their own results in dating in a different way.
Ie: they’re swinging the pendulum far, farrrrrrr to the opposite end of being a pickmeisha.
So much so that it’s no better than a pickmeisha’s strategy.
If anything, they might even connect less with masculine men than a pickmeisha would.
Recommended: How To Build Emotional Connection With A Man: Game Changer.
But why should you care about connecting with men, right?
They’re just stupid creatures that we don’t need anyway.
RIGHT?
Lol.
MORE: Do I Need A Man? Yes You Do & Here’s Why It’s Ok.
Adding Value to Men Doesn’t Equal Being A Pickmeisha
What I’ve noticed is that women are quick to dish out the “pickme” label, even in the wrong context and when it’s totally irrelevant.
For example, I’ve been called “queen of pickmes” because I teach women how to add value to men.
That’s not what a pickme girl means.
A pickmeisha is someone who turns her back on herself (and on other women) for the sake of getting male attention.
She is inauthentic and she fakes her way to some kind of a relationship, just to feel (and be) “chosen” by a man.
That’s the crux of a pickme girl:
Inauthenticity.
So here’s a question:
Is it truly inauthentic to add value to men?
Are we so afraid of losing the approval of female friends who aren’t successful in love that we are now incapable of doing the simplest, most human thing?
Namely, adding value to a man whom we love and trust?
Or even just adding value to a man whom we are interested in dating?
What Is The Opposite of A Pickme Girl?
The problem is that the opposite of a pickme isn’t someone who is a “cool girl” – someone who is “too cool” to compete against other women for male attention.
Here’s what I believe:
I believe that the opposite of a pickme is not someone who has standards for MEN.
The true opposite of a pickmeisha is a woman who actually has intrinsic value to men (and to people in general).
If you’d like to explore this concept of having intrinsic value to all masculine men, see our popular course, “High Value Mindsets”.
(The promise of this program is to give you the ability to “trade in” your anxiety and insecurities for self esteem, self worth and intrinsic confidence, so that no one will ever take you for granted & high value men will recognise you as an indispensable “keeper”.)
What does the idea of being intrinsically valuable to men actually mean?
It means she’s a real high value woman. (In the sense of the term as D.Shen and I meant it when we first popularized it in 2009.)
Not in the sense that she’s a “confident woman”. (That’s not even intrinsic value to men. That’s intrinsic value for yourself.)
Being the opposite of a pickme girl means she doesn’t have to try too hard for male attention because she’s feeling unresourceful and desperate.
But it doesn’t mean that she doesn’t care about what men want altogether (like some women imply with their “standards”), because that’s insanely dumb and just asking for trouble in your dating life.
(That’s like saying you’re going to go into business selling what you want to sell, and not what customers actually want!)
It’s so silly that it’s like deliberately shooting yourself in the foot.
If you want to opt out of dating altogether, then sure, don’t care about men and how they think.
But if you still want to find love, you need to care more.
By the way, here’s an article I wrote for you on: How To Understand Men? 5 Insights On Men To Ease Your Worries.
Sure – be resentful, angry, hurt and sad over the men who have hurt you in the past.
But once that’s done – once that hurt is over – it’s time to try again, this time looking for the right man, who truly values you.
And this time, being smart enough to test men before you attached, as that is the smartest thing to do.
Related: Why Do I Get Attached So Easily? 6 Exact Reasons & How To Stop.
Where Did The Term Pickmeisha Originate From?
The term pickemeisha arose due to internet culture. Simply put, it’s internet slang.
However, some say it can also be traced back to a Grey’s Anatomy episode from 2005 where Meredith Grey begged Derek Shepherd to choose her over his wife.
She tells him: “Pick me. Choose me. Love me.”
This is a low value way of getting a man to be with you of course, thus the term is inherently insulting.
It assumes that the woman in question, the “pickmeisha”, is trying too hard, and has too little ways in which to compete for men, so she goes for the cheapest, most cringe option:
Begging.
…To finally learning the skill of weeding out the wrong types of men, and passing the hardest test of them all… an accidental pregnancy after a month of dating! (…All by learning one simple skill.)
Is The Pickme Term Just MGTOW With A Vagina?
As referenced by Cosmopolitan, “pickme girls see other girls as competition instead of friends.”
This is a typical nonsensical viewpoint.
To expect women to see each other as friends (in all contexts) is simply wishful thinking at best, and shaming and gaslighting at worst.
In some contexts, of course it makes sense that women would be friends to each other.
We all love friends and that warm feeling that someone has your back.
But in scenarios where mating, sex and men are involved, women would have to be stupid to expect her counterparts to not compete with her.
Even if you’re not competing, other women will. Sorry.
In my experience, even if I want to be friends with other women, often there will be at least one who sees me as competition, and I’ve learned to understand and respect that.
And it’s not about me – because I’m not particularly great – it’s about something bigger than us – it’s about perpetuating the human species.
But this is where the “pickme” term is total gaslighting. And where you can compare it to the MGTOW movement for men:
Some women feel so unable to compete and win an emotionally committed relationship with a man, that their only “weapon” to compete is to try to control (read: shame) other women into competing less.
Sly, hey?
And this is why the term pickmeisha is like MGTOW with a vagina:
Because it’s the women who can’t get the man of their dreams in any way (not even by being a pickmeisha – and not even by adding value as they’re too entitled to add value), that they gaslight other women.
MORE: The Women Men Commit To Versus The Women Men Leave.
For those who don’t know, MGTOW stands for Men Going Their Own Way.
It’s like the modern equivalent of the feminist movement for men, and there are many incels within the community who have sworn off women, dating, sex and marriage altogether.
Mainly because they’re not competitive enough to even try for a woman to begin with.
While they think they’re really smart, most people just feel sorry for them, as they’re the bottom of the crop.
(Men who can get women just laugh at those men.)
MGTOW men often feel so resentful of women for rejecting them that they’re too paralyzed by their own hatred to enter the dating game ever again.
So let’s use the term pickmeisha within context, and I’m about to show you with the 5 signs you are indeed a pickmeisha.
Instead of saying:
“Oh, she’s a pickmeisha because she’s concerned about what men want.”
Or…
“Oh, she’s a pickmeisha if she actually wants a man to fall in love with her.”
If you’re too good to desire the most natural human experience possible – falling in love and having a family with a man you love and trust, then by all means, be too good for it.
But don’t shame well-meaning women by using a term incorrectly.
A pickmeisha is someone who competes for men in the cheapest ways possible. It’s that simple.
But a pickme is not a woman who cares about the masculine perspective, and it’s not a woman who actually wants to find a man.
So let’s use this term correctly – if it’s even a term that’s worth using.
How Do You Know If You Are A Pickme Girl? 3 Sure Signs You’re A Pickme Girl:
#1: You Use The Lowest Effort & Cheapest Ways to Get Male Attention
You see an attractive woman gaining the love of a high value man, so you find and point out her flaws whilst highlighting why you’re the better, “cooler” option.
You might spread lies about a rival.
The following are simply examples of lies one might tell about another rival, high value woman:
“All she does is spend all her money on her hair and nails. I’m not like that. I’d rather sit back and watch the footy at home.”
Or:
“She’s actually just a high maintenance slut who is desperate for a man.”
You play on the fact that every man wants to avoid a promiscuous woman (for a relationship), so you use high risk and cheap methods (complete lies) to try to denigrate another woman, to try to turn the odds in your favor.
Now:
Because word of mouth can have influence over men, you might be successful momentarily – but your attempt may also come at a huge cost.
That’s because most men are smart enough to sniff out such derogation of a rival in the dating pool, and won’t believe you.
These women are using the cheapest methods to try to sway the odds. It screams low value, thus why I’ve included this on the list of the real signs of a pickme girl.
#2: You Put Male Approval Before Connection
If you’re a pickme girl, you don’t value connection, even though it’s not inherently your own fault.
You may not be consciously doing it, but you’re subconsciously focusing on approval from men because your deepest fear is being abandoned by a man.
Here are 15 Signs You Have Abandonment Issues & How to Test For Them.
When you’re driven by fear, none of your actions come out high value.
You simply come across low value.
Don’t worry. I’ve done this before, and I’m ok with admitting that as I was never perfect and I never will be perfect.
Approval is not a real connection, and that’s why it’s low value. It’s inherently parasitical behavior.
Whilst we all seek approval at times, the pickmeisha only knows approval seeking.
She’s weak and boring because of it, thus she is unknowingly showing up as a low value woman.
On that note: There Are 7 Common Signs That A Woman is Perceived as Low Value to All Men. Do You Know What They Are & How to Avoid Them Like the Plague?
CLICK here to discover the 7 common signs that a woman is perceived as low value in the eyes of men in this special report. (Why is this important? Because men and women perceive value very differently and you don’t want to be making mistakes that would cause quality men to dismiss, abandon or alienate you.)
#3: You Pretend You’re Happy To Keep Him Around
Pickme girls will fake their way to male attention by pretending they’re feeling happy when they’re not.
They’re hoping that if they’re “easier” and “less work” than other women, that men will give up on the difficult women and choose them instead.
See the recurrent theme of inauthenticity here?
You don’t trust that your sadness or anger can be received by a man, and you think these emotions are not ok, so you pretend they’re not there in order to mislead a man into a relationship with you.
Recommended: 6 Burning Signs He Doesn’t Want A Relationship With You.
How Does Internalized Misogyny Influence A Pickme Girl?
As much as I despise the word misogyny, we can’t have this discussion about pickme girls without mentioning it.
So quickly, what is internalized misogyny?
Internalized misogyny is when girls or women consciously or subconsciously accept and live out negative and unfair beliefs about women that society (apparently) promotes.
It’s like if you’ve been told a lie so many times that you start to believe it’s true, even if it’s about you or people like you.
Here’s an example: if a girl is really good at science and math, but she tells herself that she should focus on subjects that are more “suitable for girls” because that’s what she sees in movies or hears from people around her.
She might not even realize that she’s holding herself back based on those stereotypes.
This internalized misogyny is reported to be one of the root causes of the pickme girls being the way they are.
Apparently, a pickmeisha holds herself back by adopting beliefs based upon male oppressors, even when the male oppressors aren’t there.
Ie: “The patriarchy”.
But look:
It’s not just society. That’s just a small part of what gives birth to the pickme girl.
It’s simply women’s desire to compete for a mate, which is a much more pervasive and ubiquitous cause for the pickmeisha phenomenon than just society.
People blame things on society too much.
I think because they’re trying to control others, or avoid facing the painful truths about human nature.
Are Most Men Inherently Good?
Call me naive, but I haven’t had too many experiences of men trying to oppress me.
In fact, it’s the opposite.
I’m provided for by a man completely in my everyday life (yes, I raise the family as does he, and I contribute to the business in my own ways even though I don’t have to).
Yet he always encourages me to do anything I ever wanted. He has never tried to control me or ridicule me.
He (my husband) absolutely wants the best for me. In a way that I didn’t believe was possible before I met him.
Sure, I’ve been assaulted by a man in the street as a teen.
And sure, I’ve seen what disgusting, resentful fools men can be towards women.
But my good experiences with men far outweigh the bad experiences.
This is despite having a father who was not emotionally attached nor present for me.
A father who refused to walk me down the aisle, but walked someone else’s daughter down the aisle. (Yeah, that was great.)
A father who believed that providing a roof over my head was plenty enough.
Despite all this, I still believe that most men just want to do the best for themselves (and the women they love).
Men like to be useful. That’s something I love about them, and something that’s become obvious to me as I’ve raised our three boys.
The sooner we as women realize that these gender wars were created for the benefit of those who seriously do want to oppress (not only us, but all humans including men), the sooner we can make better decisions for ourselves.
Now over to you. What are your thoughts on the pickme girl? What are some signs that indicate a woman is a pickmeisha?
Renee is the founder of The Feminine Woman & co-founder of Shen Wade Media where we teach women how to show up as a high value high status woman whom easily inspires a deep sense of emotional commitment from her chosen man. She graduated with a bachelor of Law and bachelor of Arts majoring in sociology and psychology. She has been a dating and relationship coach for women in the past 15 years and together with her husband D. Shen at Commitment Triggers blog, they have positively influenced the lives of over 20 million women through their articles and videos as well as 10’s of thousands through paid programs through the Shen Wade Media platform.
Connect deeper with her work through the social media links below.