Stepfamilies are a fundamentally different kind of family from a first-time family. In a stepfamily, one or both adults bring children from a previous relationship into their new family. Whether the adults are married or cohabiting, their stepfamily structure will have a profound impact on the dynamics they will face and the decisions they will need to make about everything from elder care to inheritance, support for adult children, and handling everyday finances.
Critically important at this time of year is how to handle the holidays. Members of a stepfamily may bring differences in everything from the “right” things to put on a Christmas tree to whether to have a tree at all. Meanwhile, they are trying to develop new ways to celebrate together. Adults may be excited about this, but children may feel grief or even guilt as they handle the realities of their new families.
With this in mind, we’ve worked together—as women with both personal and professional experience with the issue of divorce and stepfamily dynamics—to develop questions and answers that reflect some of these emotions with the hope that we can be helpful to “blended families,” especially during the holidays.
Dr. Patricia Papernow is a psychologist who has been working with, writing about, and teaching about “blended families” for almost five decades. Naomi Cahn is a law professor who studies legal issues involving families and family relationships. Together, Naomi and Patricia are writing an article about aging stepfamilies and the law. Alysse ElHage is Editor of the Institute for Family Studies blog and a child of divorce who grew up in a number of different stepfamily situations as both her parents remarried (her dad once, her mom a few times). This interview has been edited for clarity.
Alysse ElHage: For me, a sort of re-grieving about my parents’ divorce began after my children were born, when my parents became grandparents. It really hit me one Christmas when my daughter was about four, and we were spending it with my dad and stepmom for the first time in years. I realized during that visit that—like me—my children would never experience what it was like to celebrate the holidays with both their biological grandparents.
I heard one family therapist say we should embrace and acknowledge this grief, especially in the early years of a stepfamily. What do you think about that advice, and what do you recommend for making the holidays a happier time for stepchildren and their families?
Patricia Papernow: This is so touching to me. First, it is not unusual for children to not have language for their experience until something triggers a memory or a buried feeling. And suddenly you have words you didn’t have before! In addition, so often going into the holidays, the new couple in a stepfamily is looking for a first-time family-like holiday where “we’re all happy and we’re all together.” But as I often explain, navigating a stepfamily with a map of a first-time family is a bit like driving on the LA Freeway with a map of Indianapolis. Stepfamilies and first-time families are very different. Having the right map makes for a lot fewer accidents.
In a stepfamily, the adults are excited to have found each other and to be “making a new family.” But they are often quite unaware of the experience for kids. For kids, a new stepfamily often adds more loss, on top of the loss of their first-time family and the enforced distance from one side of their family. So stepfamilies often make a boatload of overwhelming change for children. It may be painful for adults to be aware of this. But the good news is, if parents and professionals can understand more about where kids are coming from, they can help. So, here’s what to know:
Close warm parent-child relationships are key for children’s well-being. But study after study tells us that when parents recouple, children lose parental time and attention. So, at the very moment that the adults are feeling the gift of a new relationship, kids are often feeling alone and lonely.
How can adults help? The first step is to turn toward the loss. The most regulating thing for humans when we’re upset is another human who fully gets it. Often parents feel pulled to say, “But this is your home. Just join in!” That’s not helpful. It leaves kids even more alone.
What children need is, “Wow. This sounds hard. Tell me more.” And then full on, present listening. If you don’t know what to say, mirror back what you do understand. Often, kids do not have language for this experience. Sometimes, like you Alysse, they don’t find that language to express how they are feeling until they are adults. So, very often, parents or stepparents need to start these conversations. If you’re a parent (or a stepparent) with a visiting child, turn toward this child in a moment when you’re alone and say, “I’m aware that, you have to come in as an outsider into this family. I’ll bet that’s tough sometimes. Help me understand what that’s like for you.”
Naomi Cahn: Stepfamilies are not one-size-fits-all. They may be formed after the death of one parent as well as when parents separate. Sometimes, adjustment after a death is even harder for kids. The new family may (or may not) involve new stepsiblings. Whatever form the stepfamily takes, letting the child know that you are there for him or her is the most soothing, comforting thing adults can do. Know also that these conversations—and emotions—might unfold over several days or even years! This is not a “one-and-done” type of thing.
A sort of re-grieving about my parents’ divorce began after my children were born…it really hit me one Christmas when I realized that my kids would never experience a holiday with both their biological grandparents.
Alysse: You mentioned being an “outsider,” and even now, I can really relate to that. My parents divorced when I was two, and my mom raised me. So, I don’t remember spending a holiday with both parents. If fact, I only spent two holidays with my dad and stepmom, and I was certainly an outsider. What are some things stepmoms or dads can do to make a child feel less like an outsider and more welcome at the holiday gathering?
Patricia: It’s important to know that, in stepfamilies, some people are much more connected to each other than others. In a stepfamily, parents are often more connected to their own kids than stepparents are. That means, every time there’s a child in the room, stepparents are stuck outsiders—left out and invisible. Parents are stuck insiders, feeling torn between the people who are important to them.
Children are also insiders and outsiders. The children who lived in Alysse’s dad’s home were insiders. Alysse entered that house as an outsider. Outsiders often feel, “I don’t belong.” Sometimes, insider children feel invaded “What’s she doing here?”
What can parents and stepparents do about this? First, understand that there are likely insider kids and outsider kids in your stepfamily. If your child from your previous relationship lives elsewhere but is coming for the holidays, as glad as you are to see them, they will be an outsider.
How do you make an outsider feel welcome? Both parents and stepparents can give them extra eye contact, regularly throughout the day. Parent, you can sit next to them. You can make sure to spend time with them and ask about their life. You can turn to them and ask what they think in the middle of a “family” conversation. You can ask them for input about family plans, what to have for dinner, what movie to see together.
One very important thing that helps is for parents to carve out one-to-one time with your own child(ren). That’s hard if you have a new partner and other children from this new relationship. It takes some planning! If you’re using your first-time family map, you may be thinking, “That’s not family like.” In fact, especially in stepfamilies, carving out regular reliable parent-child alone time is absolutely necessary for children’s well-being. But it is also important for stepparents to carve out one-to-one time with your stepchildren.
[U]nderstand that there are likely insider kids and outsider kids in your stepfamily. If your child from your previous relationship lives elsewhere but is coming for the holidays, as glad as you are to see them, they will be an outsider.
Naomi: And importantly, don’t try to force insider and outsider children to get along with each other or even with the stepparent. Create opportunities: Find a game everyone can play or a dish everyone can cook together. Build a snow fort together.
Parents and stepparents also need to know that what looks like rejection is very likely a child who is struggling. Successful stepparents remain persistent but respectful of children’s needs. They don’t try to force closeness. The new couple may very much want to create brand new “family” traditions. However, children (and adults) are often very attached to familiar holiday traditions. Forcing everyone to abandon all that’s familiar will create resistance and unhappiness. Take time to learn what parts of each person’s tradition is precious to them. Incorporate some of each person’s wishes. This may require a surprising amount of negotiation!
Alysse: This is such great advice. I’d like to get your insights on the concept of “divided loyalty,” and the guilt that many children of divorce feel when they visit their other parent during the holidays. The one or two Christmases I spent with my father, I remember feeling guilty: I worried about having too much fun with him and my siblings, and I felt bad for my mom being without me. How can both parents and stepparents help children be able to enjoy the holidays with each parent without feeling so guilty and torn?
Patricia: You’re beautifully describing “loyalty binds”—a major part of the challenge for children in stepfamilies. For you, Alysse, if you’re enjoying yourself with your dad and his new family, you feel like you’re abandoning your mom in a sense.
It sure helps if both parents (and stepparents) actively support each child’s relationship with the parent (and stepparent) in the other house. The research is clear that children do best in stepfamilies when all the adults actively support their positive relationships with every other adult.
If you are an adult reading this and you have children who are going between houses, give yourself a gut check. Are you “leaking” your unhappiness that they’re with their other parent or stepparent? Or are you actively giving messages of support for your child’s relationship with the adults in their other household? For some parents, doing this may be one of the harder things you’ll do for your kid. But it’s also one of the most important things you can do.
Naomi: Custody agreements that divide the holidays are often hard for parents. However, children will do best if you can handle your discomfort and sadness out of children’s earshot. This is something to share with another adult, and not with your children. That is, adults need to act like adults.
It’s an ongoing process for children to work through having grown up as part of a blended family.
Alysse: You mentioned being in between houses or families. The back and forth of visiting between families was not really an issue for me after my dad moved out of the country when I was around 13. But recently, he moved back to the States about 30 minutes from my mom. And so now when I visit, I’m once again dealing with the same back and forth between their houses, the same stress—except now my spouse and children have to deal with it, too. What are some ways to take this stress off children during the holidays?
Patricia: One way to lower the stress for kids is for the adults to be aware that going back and forth between houses is hard for kids. Yes, both parents want holiday time with their kid. And each parent misses having the entire holiday. That’s understandable. But meeting the adults’ need by making kids go back and forth puts a lot of stress on kids. It’s often just as hard for adult kids.
For this reason, for lots of children (of all ages), it works better to alternate holidays. So kids spend most of each holiday with one parent vs. whipping back and forth during the same one. There is still the loss—if I’m with Mom I don’t get to be with Dad. But it is often considerably less stressful for children.
In my own stepfamily in my first marriage, my stepkids and their mother had a solid years-long family tradition of Christmas with their mother and her sister, their aunt. No way were we going to budge my stepkids out of that tradition. So, we left that special tradition in place. And we made a second “Christmas” at a different time. This “special Christmas” grew to be part of the fun of making our own Christmas at a time we chose. Even though a stepparent’s tradition might be Chanukah or Kwanzaa, it is important to recognize their stepchild’s traditions.
Stepfamily researchers are also learning that kids in stepfamilies do best when they have input into decisions that affect them. The adults may want to reserve “final say.” But ask for kids’ input. And listen. “Help me understand what’s hardest and what you like best about how we do Christmas.” And: “What things have been most special to you that you want us to keep doing?” Before you make any decisions, keep mirroring back what you do understand and inviting them to fill in more.
You could ask: “If you could wave a magic wand, what make this easier for you?” Some kids will say, “That you and Dad never divorced.”
Your job is, again, to first turn toward your child’s pain. You are going to start with, “Right. Wow, that would be easier. Our divorce has made this really tough, huh. Want to say more about that?” Once you have fully been “with” your child about the loss of divorce, then there’s more room to say, “Thanks for letting me know how you feel. Let’s see if we can think about what would make these holidays easier for you.”
Some kids aren’t so good at knowing what they need. Multiple choice can help: Try offering children some choices for what they would like to do and what would be least stressful. And come up with a new tradition for the new family.
Naomi: Even when children mature, that doesn’t mean that all the tensions will melt away. In fact, that’s the time when the children are starting to develop their own traditions, and they might be wanting to build on first-family memories. It’s an ongoing process for children to work through having grown up as part of a “blended family.” For adult children whose parents divorce after they’ve left the house, the tensions, worry, guilt, and anger are often surprisingly intense.
For kids, a new stepfamily often adds more loss, on top of the loss of their first-time family and the enforced distance from one side of their family. So stepfamilies often make a boatload of overwhelming change for children.
Alysse: What about bringing divorced parents together for the holiday to help in some sort of gathering? Could this help?
Patricia: If co-parents can pull this off, it’s the very best for kids. Tension and conflict make divorce and remarriage harder on kids, as research shows us. (Along with poor parenting.) And, conversely, kids who do best in a divorce and stepfamily feel free to have positive relationships with all the adults who matter to them. So, when mom and dad can be in the same room and host a holiday together, it’s wonderful.
But that isn’t always possible. If mom and dad are tense—or mom is tense with stepmom or vice versa—spending time together for holidays will not be good for the kids. But if the adults can put aside any differences and, on behalf of their kids, create a holiday together, it’s so much better. We actually did this for Thanksgiving in my second marriage. And we did major events together: graduations, children’s birthdays, etc.
Naomi: Parents who can step outside of their own happiness and joy at finding a new partner and creating a “blended family,” and open their hearts and minds to their children’s experience can create a supportive environment for everyone. Learning what works is an ongoing process. Once the holidays are over, sit down with your partner and talk about what worked well, what was tense, what you’d each like to keep on doing, do less of, and do more of. Where possible, also do this with your children and stepchildren. Bottom line: Be flexible and curious—and communicate.