I’m going to share with you the one brutal truth I wish I knew about men in my 30s.
This one thing could save you years being in situationships and getting strung along by guys (which we all know you no longer have time for in your 30s).
When you, as a woman over 30 understand this one brutal truth about men over 30, you’ll find your one special man faster and keep him around effortlessly.
First there’s something you need to understand about men.
If you don’t understand this, then you’ll only get strung along even longer by men who aren’t serious about you.
And who has time for that in their 30s?
Want to see how commitment-friendly your man is? Is your man serious about committing to you? CLICK HERE to find out with this specially crafted quiz!
How Men Categorise The Women They Meet And Date
When a man meets you, he very quickly places you (yes you), and every other woman he meets and dates, into one of two baskets.
The one and only basket, or the one of many basket.
Most women easily fall into the ‘one of many’ basket. It takes nothing but the following:
- Being a woman.
- A willingness to seek attention from men; and
- A willingness to offer sex.
When you’re a woman in the “one of many” basket, you only ever get crumbs from men.
…Are things starting to dawn on you? I hope so, because like myself and many other women around the world, you may have had an experience like this in the past.
As the one of many, you get crumbs of attention, crumbs of commitment, plus the debilitating anxiety of wondering whether he’s ever going to fall in love with you and commit to you, long term.
Look: a lot of women actually do very well being the one of many.
They date a rich man, get some of his money along the way, accept some cash in return for a better lifestyle…
But they never get to the status of the one and only.
Related reading: Breadcrumbing: Meaning, 8 Sad Signs & How to Respond.
Prefer video content? Here’s a video I made on “ONE Thing I Wish I Knew About Men In my 30s”:
So What Is The One And Only Basket Exactly?
It’s the basket men place you in where you receive not only crumbs from a man, but everything he’s got. Everything and more.
When you’re in the one and only basket, men stop putting in the bare minimum effort to keep you around. They go above and beyond for you. And for no other woman.
It’s laughable to even suggest that they’d do for their one of many, what they would do for their one and only.
Because they are deeply emotionally committed to their one and only, and of course, in love with her.
So here’s the one truth I wish I knew about men in my 30s
A lot of men have already met, found or been in a long term relationship with their one and only by the time they hit 30.
So unless you’re comfortable dating an 18 to 25 year old man, this is the reality you have to deal with.
And honestly, when you have the right insights and tools, this is not a negative reality at all. Because you get to work things to your own advantage.
But what does this all mean for you?
This means that when you go out into the dating market, you’ll often be dealing with either divorced men who still have an attachment to their ex and still want to provide for and be there for their ex…
(For an example of this, see my article: He Pays For His Ex Girlfriend’s Bills, But Won’t Pay For Mine?)
…Or perhaps you’ll be dealing with men who seemingly, are only really interested in dating you as their one of many, because they’ve had that experience of being with their one and only already.
And that experience is extremely rare in a man’s life.
This doesn’t mean a man can’t meet his one and only (ie: you) again, it just means you have to be conscious about showing up as the one and only.
What About Psychopaths And Men With An Avoidant Attachment Style?
Oh, and it’s impossible for psychopaths and men with a truly avoidant attachment style to see you as their one and only. They don’t fall in love.
MORE: Can An Avoidant Ever Really Love You?
If these men do happen to fall in love, they’re not truly avoidantly attached. They were just avoiding attaching to all the women before them.
So why am I sharing this one brutal truth with you?
Is it because I want you to lose all hope in dating, or give up completely in your 30s, 40s and 50s? Nope. Not at all.
It’s because I want to warn you of one thing: as a woman in her 30s and beyond, it becomes even more important to consciously show up as the one and only, and be placed in that basket by men.
Because it gets harder and harder to EVER get an emotional commitment from a man if you aren’t placed in the one and only basket right from the start.
He will want to reminisce about that one girl from his past.
He might daydream about his ex who was the one and only, think about her a lot and even still try to take care of her in small (or medium) ways.
Which all ultimately steal his attention from you.
But, there is hope.
And way more hope than you would ever think, actually. There’s a way around this. And I’m about to share it with you.
How to Be In The One And Only Basket Over Age 30?
The only way around this is to do the following two things:
- Remember that his experience of having the one and only is now in the past.
- Give him an even better experience of falling in love with you and seeing YOU as his one and only.
Because if all you can inspire in the men you date is to place you in the one of many basket, you’ll never get that feeling of safety and security that you so deeply crave.
And I know that’s exactly what you deserve.
So the next question is, how do you do it? How do you ensure you are always placed in the “one and only” basket?
Well, you have to show up as the one and only of course.
But also realize that although you have great influence over which basket you are placed in by men, (and I really do mean great influence), you must understand that you don’t have full control.
Because you can’t control other people. You can only control how you show up.
So don’t beat yourself up or feel bad when you seem to again, just be treated as a hookup.
Understand that this is an integral part of your learning process and growth process.
Now, here’s another thing I want you to know:
Know that in order to be the one and only, you must build emotional attraction and emotional connection FIRST AND FOREMOST.
Avoid Saying These Things to Be Placed In The One And Only Basket
Simply saying to the men you date “I’m only looking for something SERIOUS”, or: “don’t waste my time. I only want something long-term”, is NOT going to cut it!
By the way, responding to men’s sexual innuendos with resentment may also accelerate your trip towards the “one of many” basket.
(Yes, even men who use sexual innuendos are capable of having a “one and only” woman in their life! Even if you assume they aren’t.)
So instead of resenting what men can’t seem to do for you to give you the longer end of the stick up front, you respect that at the end of the day, they are men.
Here’s How to Understand Men
They’re not bigger, stronger, faster or hairier women. They have different reproductive agendas to you.
Your job is to work with the differences and dance with them with emotional attraction and emotional connection in mind.
Because remember, you can’t change men. You can’t make men suddenly start producing eggs like you, unless of course, you subscribe to the belief that men can bear children too…
…I have no comment on that.
So here’s what you need to do: understand that you can’t change the fact that you have different reproductive agendas to men.
But you can respect it, and always focus on building emotional attraction with men.
And to do that, we don’t lead with sex in our interactions with men, we don’t lead with how desirable you are or how desired you want to feel by a man.
We also don’t lead with your desire to seek approval from him. Instead, focus on emotional attraction by leading with playfulness.
Now, if you’re online dating, here are some articles with tips for how to do that:
The No.1 Trait of Dating Profiles That Men Fall In Love With.
And:
3 Things Women Should Never Put In Her Dating Profile Bio.
And:
5 Most Common Mistakes Women Make In Online Dating.
By the way, leading with playfulness is also how you repel the toxic players and attract the men who truly want to emotionally attune to you, because players will never go deeper with you in an authentic way.
How do you lead with playfulness in dating? Quite literally, learn to embody playfulness, which is an art.
Here’s an example of playfulness encapsulated in words in a text message or the spoken word in real life:
You say: “Do you know what I LOVE about you?”
He says: “what?!”
You say: “Absolutely nothing.” (And of course, you insert a playful emoji after that).
Remember, our goal is to play here. Not to insult. We are trying to build emotional connection and emotional attraction, right?
Toxic Women Have A Harder Time Being Playful
If you’re naturally a toxic woman, obviously this is going to be harder to accomplish. But we all start somewhere, right?
But if you’re used to playfulness, you’ll pull off this line a lot more easily.
If you’re not used to playfulness, when is now a good time to start?
If you want more examples of leading with playfulness through text message and in person, you can use what my husband and I call ‘the dark feminine art of high value banter.’ Go take our free high value banter class (ran by my husband) at HighValueBanter.com.
Now, if you want to make the process of being placed in the “one and only” basket effortless, listen up.
There are 5 feminine secrets to have your chosen man fall in love and BEG you to be his one and only (even if he’s been distant or losing interest), and all the secrets are inside my course, “Becoming His One And Only.” CLICK HERE to Discover more.
Parting Words
So tell me, in your last relationship, were you the one and only, or the one of many? Have a think about it and let’s get to the bottom of this below.
Here’s to you always being the “one and only” and finding the commitment process easy and effortless.
If you liked this article and found it helpful, let me know in the comments so I can write more like it!
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Renee is the founder of The Feminine Woman & co-founder of Shen Wade Media where we teach women how to show up as a high value high status woman whom easily inspires a deep sense of emotional commitment from her chosen man. She graduated with a bachelor of Law and bachelor of Arts majoring in sociology and psychology. She has been a dating and relationship coach for women in the past 15 years and together with her husband D. Shen at Commitment Triggers blog, they have positively influenced the lives of over 20 million women through their articles and videos as well as 10’s of thousands through paid programs through the Shen Wade Media platform.
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